What are yours, bro?..
1. Wear the band’s shirt that you’re there to see
Yes, everyone already knows you’re here for Cannibal Corpse. But unless your shirt says it in blood, how will they really know? Bonus points if you bought it at their 2006 tour and haven’t washed it since.
2. Go to the merch stand, block the whole line, then leave empty-handed
Spend 17 minutes debating between two shirts that look identical, ask 6 questions about sizing, and then dramatically announce, “I’ll think about it.” Congratulations, you’re now that guy.
3. When the vocalist gives you the mic, yell total gibberish
Forget the lyrics? No problem. Just scream “WAHHHH BLEGH BURRITO TACO DEATH” into the mic like your vocal cords owe you money. Legendary.
4. Be too drunk to remember the lyrics—or the concert
Did your favorite band even play? No one knows. You were yelling about Slayer during a Gojira set and passed out in the port-a-potty during the encore.
5. Sing along very loudly during ballads
Let everyone around you suffer through your off-key falsetto during the emotional acoustic part. This is your moment. You’re basically the sixth member of the band now.
6. Always mosh. It’s the law.
Even if the band is an ambient drone project or it’s just the intro track—get in there and spin kick like it’s your court-mandated therapy.
7. Yell out a song request the band already played
“PLAY RAINING BLOOD!” they scream, moments after it finished. Honestly, you’re just letting the band know how little attention you’re paying. It’s charming.
8. Bring your girlfriend so she can hold your coat while you mosh
Nothing says “romance” like using your partner as a glorified coat rack while you flail violently in a sweaty pit. Bonus: ignore her for three hours and then say “that was fun!”
9. Whip your filthy, unwashed metal hair directly into people’s faces
They didn’t come to see the band—they came to taste your hair. Preferably with traces of PBR, smoke, and regret. Don’t even think about conditioner.
10. Don’t wear earplugs. Ever.
Hearing is for people who don’t understand blast beats. Real metalheads want that sweet tinnitus hum as a permanent encore.
11. Take blurry, garbage-quality phone pics and post them proudly
Capture that precious moment of a red blur that might be the drummer’s elbow and post it to Instagram with the caption “BEST NIGHT EVER \m/”.
12. Record 20 seconds of a breakdown, then immediately upload it to YouTube
Your shaky vertical video will definitely go viral. Or at least get one confused comment and two dislikes.
13. Talk loudly on the phone during the set
Because nothing says “true fan” like screaming “YEAH, I’M AT THE SHOW RIGHT NOW!” while holding your phone sideways and ruining the moment for everyone within a 20-foot radius.
14. Lose your phone
After all that filming and yelling, it’s only natural to lose the phone mid-mosh. It now belongs to the pit gods. Farewell.
15. Take your shirt off in the pit to assert dominance
You may not have muscles, but you do have an angry sunburn, chest hair shaped like a skull, and zero shame. That’s enough.
16. Mosh for bands that aren’t even fast
They could be playing a harp cover of Darkthrone and you’re still spin-kicking like it’s Slipknot 1999. Respect.
17. Skip all opening bands
Who cares if they traveled 6,000 miles and are better than the headliner—you’re only there for the final 45 minutes. You’re a purist. (Also: lazy.)
18. Don’t bother with deodorant
Nothing pairs with human soup like the natural musk of pits, stale beer, and Axe body spray from 2004. Let the stench rise like a sacrificial offering.
19. If you’re tall, stand directly in front of the shortest fan
Because your full panoramic view is more important than her once-in-a-lifetime dream. Bonus: lean back slightly for dominance.
20. If you’re short, elbow people in the ribs and pretend it’s an accident
Your pit survival tactic is part rage, part stealth. Just keep swinging those bony elbows like you’re mixing a brutal stew.
21. Moshing counts as cardio, right?
You haven’t been to the gym since Pantera broke up, but if you survived that wall of death, congratulations—you now qualify for Olympic-level aggression.
22. Laugh at the token metalcore band in the lineup
They scream, they have breakdowns, but they’re not real metal, right? You’re a gatekeeper now. Go ahead, scoff while they outperform your favorite band.
23. Brag about how this band’s set was “the best show ever,” and then never see them again
You were crying during the last song, but next tour you’ll be like, “meh, I already saw them once.” Pure fandom.
24. Hang around awkwardly after the show hoping to meet the band
You’ve got nothing but time, a crumpled ticket, and social anxiety. Just linger by the van like a creepy possum until someone notices you.
25. Always help someone up in the pit
Because for all the chaos, sweat, and beer-vomit—you’re still part of a feral but honorable tribe. You’ll deck them mid-circle pit, but you’ll pick them up like a knight.
