In case you missed it (lucky you), a federal jury in Manhattan has officially ruled that Live Nation Entertainment and its ever-present partner Ticketmaster have been operating as an illegal monopoly. The case, originally brought by the U.S. Department of Justice back in 2024, accused the companies of doing very […]
Funny news
“The Moon Is Flat Too”: Deftones’ Stephen Carpenter Reviews NASA Mission, Declares Astronauts “Suspiciously 3D”
In what scientists are already calling “an unexpected but entirely avoidable development,” Deftones guitarist Stephen Carpenter has reportedly weighed in on the recent Artemis II — and, in a shocking twist, remains unconvinced by the concept of reality. Yes, while humanity celebrates sending astronauts around the Moon for the first […]
Nickelback to Drop 5 Albums in 2026 Because This Year Apparently Is Not Bad Enough
Just when you thought 2026 might calm down a little… Nickelback looked directly into the void, cracked their knuckles, and said: “Let’s make it worse.” In an announcement that feels less like music news and more like a dare gone horribly wrong, the band has promised to release five full-length […]
MGŁA Unveil “Next-Level” Stage Gear: Official Black Garbage Bag Collaboration Announced
Polish black metal mystics MGŁA have reportedly taken their signature anonymity to the next level — and possibly to the nearest grocery aisle. According to completely “reliable” sources (read: someone’s imagination), the band has struck a groundbreaking partnership with a major manufacturer of black garbage bags ahead of their next album […]
Iranian TV Accidentally Discovers SABATON — Declares Swedish Power Metallers A “Secret Naval Weapon”
In what might be the strangest crossover between geopolitics and heavy metal since someone accidentally blasted MANOWAR at a NATO training exercise, Swedish power metal juggernauts SABATON have reportedly been featured on Iranian state television — and not exactly in the way the band probably expected. According to a bizarre […]
VULVODYNIA Launch Nationwide Search for Law-Abiding, PTA-Approved Deathcore Mom After Latest Vocalist Chaos
In today’s episode of “This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things”, South African deathcore crushers Vulvodynia have officially parted ways with vocalist Zion Bittenbender amid resurfaced misconduct allegations. Bittenbender joined the band last fall, and within approximately seven minutes (okay, days), the internet did what the internet does best: […]
ARCH ENEMY Hire Lauren Hart, Drop “To The Last Breath” — Internet Detectives in Shambles, Steak Industry Nervous
It has happened.The torch has been passed.The group chats have exploded. ARCH ENEMY have officially revealed their new vocalist: Lauren Hart, formerly of ONCE HUMAN — and unleashed a brand-new single, “To The Last Breath.” And yes, the internet was wrong. Again. The Great Torch Conspiracy of 2026 When a […]
Bandcamp Accidentally Bans AC/DC for “Excessive Algorithmic Consistency”
According to sources close to absolutely nobody, AC/DC’s management recently attempted to upload the band’s complete discography to Bandcamp—only to have the entire submission instantly rejected for allegedly being “wholly or substantially generated by artificial intelligence.” The trouble reportedly began when Bandcamp’s new AI-detection system flagged High Voltage within seconds, […]
Florida Declares Trve Kvlt Winter: Death Metal Retreats as Black Metal Rises From the Frostbitten Swamps
For decades, Florida was the undisputed American capital of death metal. Tampa. Morrisound. Sunburns, blast beats, and riffs so thick you could drown an alligator in them. This was a land where palm trees trembled under downtuned guitars and humidity was considered a production technique. But something has shifted. This […]
BREAKING: Wacken Metal Battle USA Winners MOURNING HIGH Also Gift Their Trophy to Trump
Inspired by the recent Nobel Peace Prize Weirdness, last year’s Wacken Metal Battle USA winners MOURNING HIGH have reportedly decided to hand over their hard-earned trophy to President Donald J. Trump. Why? Because apparently this is a thing now. According to sources very familiar with distortion pedals and extremely unfamiliar […]