GHOST mastermind Tobias Forge has long been known for his theatrical performances, elaborate backstory, and now, apparently, his deep-seated fear of electromagnetic waves rendering him useless in the bedroom. As part of the band’s newly announced 2025 US tour, Forge has doubled down on the controversial decision to enforce a […]
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BABYMETAL Announces 2025 North American Tour, Promises to Have Actual Babies by Then to Justify the Name
As BABYMETAL prepares for their biggest North American tour yet, a lingering existential crisis has finally caught up with them: they are no longer, by any metric, babies. With all members now well into their late 20s, the realization that they’ve been fronting a band called BABYMETAL while filing taxes, […]
KORN Accidentally Signs Up for Lollapalooza, Thought It Was a Restaurant Menu
When KORN was announced as part of the 2025 Lollapalooza lineup, fans were hyped—until the band themselves expressed utter confusion. In a statement that can only be described as a mix of bewilderment and regret, KORN admitted they had no idea they had signed up for one of the world’s […]
Wes Scantlin Arrested for Crimes Against Music — Authorities Finally Take Action
After decades of alleged sonic offenses, justice has finally caught up with Wes Scantlin. The Puddle of Mudd frontman was arrested in Torrance, California, on March 11, and while police officially booked him on domestic violence and drug possession charges, sources confirm the real crime was subjecting the world to […]
TOOL Fans Consider Legal Action Over Repetitive Setlist, Maynard Offers Weird Compensation Option
The inaugural Tool Live In The Sand festival in Punta Cana, Dominican Republic, was meant to be a dream vacation for die-hard TOOL fans—sun, surf, and two nights of the band’s transcendent, ever-evolving live performances. Instead, attendees were treated to the same four songs—”Fear Inoculum,” “Rosetta Stoned,” “Pneuma,” and “Jambi”—without […]
Miss Mayhem Festival 2025: No Men Allowed, Free Tampons for All!
In a groundbreaking move to finally rid the metal scene of pesky male energy, Mayhem Festival is returning in 2025 as Miss Mayhem—a fully female-fronted lineup that’s doubling down on the rebrand by banning all men from attending. That’s right, dudes, pack it up. You had your time at Mayhem […]
Brent Hinds Leaves Mastodon After 25 Years of Beer and Weed Theft, Launches New Solo Project “Oblivion Bong”
After a quarter-century of face-melting riffs, psychedelic journeys, and allegedly missing six-packs, Brent Hinds has officially parted ways with Mastodon. While the band released a heartfelt statement about “mutually deciding to part ways,” Hinds has now set the record straight: it was not mutual at all. In an exclusive (and […]
Mötley Crüe Postpones Vegas Residency as Vince Neil Announces Gender Transition: “You All Said I Look Womanly Anyway!”
LAS VEGAS (KLAS) — Mötley Crüe fans expecting to see the band tear up the stage in Las Vegas this spring will have to wait a little longer, as frontman Vince Neil has announced an unexpected twist: he’s postponing the residency to undergo additional medical procedures—this time, to fully embrace […]
Ohio Hardcore Band “MAKE SOME NOISE” Sues Every Band on Earth for Using Their Name During Shows
CINCINNATI, OH — In a groundbreaking legal move that threatens to reshape the live music industry, Ohio-based hardcore band MAKE SOME NOISE has filed lawsuits against virtually every band in existence for unauthorized use of their name while addressing audiences. “We started noticing this blatant copyright infringement at every concert […]
SLAYER Announces More “Farewell” Shows Because Retirement Is For The Poor
Just when you thought Slayer had called it quits, here they are again, proving that “farewell tour” is just industry slang for “we’re not done milking this cash cow.” After their triumphant “final” shows at Aftershock and Riot Fest in 2024, the legendary thrashers are back, adding a not-so-final Canadian […]