As France emerges as the statistical favorite to win the 2026 FIFA World Cup, French metal giants GOJIRA have reportedly unveiled plans for a suitably patriotic victory celebration. And by “patriotic,” we mean “deeply alarming to everyone outside France.” According to completely fabricated reports, the band has promised to stage […]
Funny news
CHARLEY CROCKETT Discovers TWIN TEMPLE Are Actually Satanic, Internet Discovers CHARLEY CROCKETT Exists
In one of the more unexpected developments of 2026, self-described “satanic doo-wop” outfit TWIN TEMPLE have been removed from upcoming dates of CHARLEY CROCKETT’s tour after the country singer reportedly objected to the band’s satanic imagery. According to TWIN TEMPLE, they were informed this week that they would no longer […]
SERJ TANKIAN Reportedly Plans To Sleep Through July 4th So Nobody Accidentally Thinks He Loves America
With July 4th approaching — and America preparing to celebrate roughly 250 years of being loud, armed, confused, and sponsored by barbecue sauce — SERJ TANKIAN is reportedly taking precautions. According to absolutely no one, the SYSTEM OF A DOWN frontman has developed an emergency survival plan for Independence Day: […]
Axl Rose Seen Crying At Home After Download Festival Finally Proves He Was Right About The Ferris Wheel
Sources close to GUNS N’ ROSES frontman Axl Rose report that the singer is currently at home eating an entire pepperoni pizza and rewatching “Bridget Jones’s Diary” after discovering that absolutely nobody listened to him for the past 34 years. The emotional breakdown follows reports that UK police are investigating […]
FYA Fest Organizers Reportedly Preparing For Largest Banana Migration In Hardcore History
FYA Fest 2027 organizers have yet to announce a single band, but according to rumors circulating throughout the hardcore community, they are already preparing for a very different problem: Bananas. Following the now-infamous END IT vs. Banana Man controversy, anonymous sources claim FYA staff have begun quietly discussing contingency plans […]
SLAYER Announce “The Last-Last LAST Tour Ever” With SCORPIONS, Confirm Retirement Remains an Ongoing Creative Process
In a move that has shocked absolutely nobody who has been paying attention for the last seven years, SLAYER have announced yet another tour despite retiring in 2019, returning in 2024, and then spending the following years demonstrating that retirement is apparently just another type of touring schedule. The newly […]
Reviews From Hell. DONALD TRUMP Reviews DIMMU BORGIR’S “Grand Serpent Rising”: “VERY DARK. VERY NORWEGIAN. POSSIBLY DEMONIC. I LOVED IT.”
Late last night, while doomscrolling through Truth Social for reasons we’re still trying to explain to our therapist, we stumbled upon what may be the most unexpected post in the platform’s history: Donald J. Trump reviewing the new DIMMU BORGIR album, “Grand Serpent Rising.” What began as a seemingly normal […]
“BLACK SABBATH Needs A Black Actor”: Fake Paapa Essiedu OZZY Casting Rumor Sends Metal Boomers Into Astral Collapse
The upcoming OZZY OSBOURNE biopic still hasn’t officially revealed who will portray the Prince Of Darkness — but the internet has already solved the mystery in the most gloriously chaotic way possible. According to absolutely nobody credible whatsoever, HBO HARRY POTTER actor Paapa Essiedu is now “heavily rumored” to play […]
Top 10 Completely Reasonable Reasons Why Terrance Hobbs From SUFFOCATION Shaved The Dread Skullet
For over three decades, Terrance Hobbs didn’t just play riffs in SUFFOCATION — he wore them. That legendary dreadlock skullet wasn’t just hair. It was a cultural artifact. A geological formation. Possibly a protected historical site. And now? Gone. Vaporized. Sent to whatever dimension deleted socks go to. The metal community […]
CRADLE OF FILTH Introduce New Guitarist You’ll Probably Forget By Christmas
Ah yes, another brave soul has entered the ever-revolving haunted carousel known as CRADLE OF FILTH. The band has officially announced guitarist Joff Bailey — best known for SAVAGE MESSIAH — as the latest musician to step into the beautifully cursed position previously occupied by Marek “Ashok” Šmerda, who escaped […]