Sources close to GUNS N’ ROSES frontman Axl Rose report that the singer is currently at home eating an entire pepperoni pizza and rewatching “Bridget Jones’s Diary” after discovering that absolutely nobody listened to him for the past 34 years.
The emotional breakdown follows reports that UK police are investigating a couple spotted engaging in inappropriate activities inside a Ferris wheel cabin during DOWNLOAD FESTIVAL, just before GUNS N’ ROSES took the stage.
Witnesses say hundreds of attendees suddenly forgot all about whether Axl would be late and instead collectively turned their attention toward a transparent pod floating above the festival grounds.
Police are now investigating.
Axl, however, is reportedly just disappointed.
“He warned everybody,” one source close to the singer said.
“Nobody listened.”
Indeed, longtime GUNS N’ ROSES fans immediately pointed out that Axl has been trying to educate humanity since 1991.
The evidence was there all along.
“She’s got a smile that it seems to me…”
No.
Wrong song.
“Doing strange things in the Ferris wheel…”
THAT song.
For decades, people assumed it was just another cryptic Axl lyric. Today, many believe he was actually documenting an unfolding prophecy.
The singer himself has yet to issue a statement, but insiders claim he spent several hours quietly staring out of a window while eating pizza and muttering: “I literally told them.”
Sources say he later turned on “Bridget Jones’s Diary” because “sometimes you just need Hugh Grant and emotional support.”
The irony has not been lost on festivalgoers.
For years, DOWNLOAD attendees have worried about rain, mud, long bathroom lines, expensive beer, and whether GUNS N’ ROSES would start late.
Nobody had “public Ferris wheel scandal” on their bingo card.
One witness described the scene:
“Everybody was nervous because GUNS N’ ROSES are always a bit unpredictable. Then people started pointing at the Ferris wheel and suddenly nobody cared anymore. It became the main event.”
Industry experts are now calling it the greatest opening act in DOWNLOAD history.
Meanwhile, police continue searching for information. Hard rock fans, however, have begun offering alternative solutions. Some propose adding warning signs to future festivals:
DO NOT FEED THE BANDS
NO STAGE DIVING FROM FERRIS WHEELS
GLASS IS TRANSPARENT
and
IF AXL SINGS ABOUT IT, DON’T DO IT.
As of press time, GUNS N’ ROSES management had not commented.
Axl Rose was reportedly seen opening a second pizza box and pressing play on “Bridget Jones: The Edge Of Reason.”
“It’s just nice,” he allegedly whispered.
“Being understood at last.”
#download festival incident, #fake news, #sex guns and roses
