As France emerges as the statistical favorite to win the 2026 FIFA World Cup, French metal giants GOJIRA have reportedly unveiled plans for a suitably patriotic victory celebration. And by “patriotic,” we mean “deeply alarming to everyone outside France.” According to completely fabricated reports, the band has promised to stage […]
fake news
SERJ TANKIAN Reportedly Plans To Sleep Through July 4th So Nobody Accidentally Thinks He Loves America
With July 4th approaching — and America preparing to celebrate roughly 250 years of being loud, armed, confused, and sponsored by barbecue sauce — SERJ TANKIAN is reportedly taking precautions. According to absolutely no one, the SYSTEM OF A DOWN frontman has developed an emergency survival plan for Independence Day: […]
Axl Rose Seen Crying At Home After Download Festival Finally Proves He Was Right About The Ferris Wheel
Sources close to GUNS N’ ROSES frontman Axl Rose report that the singer is currently at home eating an entire pepperoni pizza and rewatching “Bridget Jones’s Diary” after discovering that absolutely nobody listened to him for the past 34 years. The emotional breakdown follows reports that UK police are investigating […]
FYA Fest Organizers Reportedly Preparing For Largest Banana Migration In Hardcore History
FYA Fest 2027 organizers have yet to announce a single band, but according to rumors circulating throughout the hardcore community, they are already preparing for a very different problem: Bananas. Following the now-infamous END IT vs. Banana Man controversy, anonymous sources claim FYA staff have begun quietly discussing contingency plans […]
SLAYER Announce “The Last-Last LAST Tour Ever” With SCORPIONS, Confirm Retirement Remains an Ongoing Creative Process
In a move that has shocked absolutely nobody who has been paying attention for the last seven years, SLAYER have announced yet another tour despite retiring in 2019, returning in 2024, and then spending the following years demonstrating that retirement is apparently just another type of touring schedule. The newly […]
“BLACK SABBATH Needs A Black Actor”: Fake Paapa Essiedu OZZY Casting Rumor Sends Metal Boomers Into Astral Collapse
The upcoming OZZY OSBOURNE biopic still hasn’t officially revealed who will portray the Prince Of Darkness — but the internet has already solved the mystery in the most gloriously chaotic way possible. According to absolutely nobody credible whatsoever, HBO HARRY POTTER actor Paapa Essiedu is now “heavily rumored” to play […]
Top 10 Completely Reasonable Reasons Why Terrance Hobbs From SUFFOCATION Shaved The Dread Skullet
For over three decades, Terrance Hobbs didn’t just play riffs in SUFFOCATION — he wore them. That legendary dreadlock skullet wasn’t just hair. It was a cultural artifact. A geological formation. Possibly a protected historical site. And now? Gone. Vaporized. Sent to whatever dimension deleted socks go to. The metal community […]
NAZARETH: When The Road Crew Started Asking Who Is Actually In The Band
When Pete Agnew walked into the rehearsal room for NAZARETH in December 2025, he paused for a moment—not because of the music, but because he couldn’t immediately tell who was supposed to be in the band and who was just “helping out.” Someone was tuning a bass that wasn’t theirs. […]
KISS Avatars Already Arguing About Money Ahead Of First Show In 2027
After announcing that their long-promised avatar spectacle will officially launch in 2027, the digital members of KISS are reportedly already locked in a bitter internal war over money, royalties, and who gets the bigger share of virtual fireworks. For those unfamiliar with the situation: the real KISS revealed in late […]
Live Nation Entertainment Responds to Monopoly Verdict by Introducing 47 New Fees, “For Legal Reasons”
In case you missed it (lucky you), a federal jury in Manhattan has officially ruled that Live Nation Entertainment and its ever-present partner Ticketmaster have been operating as an illegal monopoly. The case, originally brought by the U.S. Department of Justice back in 2024, accused the companies of doing very […]