In a tragic blow to anonymity, ritual, and extremely committed branding, mysterious UK collective Sleep Token were reportedly denied boarding on a flight to Mexico after refusing to remove their masks during airport security screening. According to eyewitnesses, the band arrived at the terminal fully robed, fully masked, and fully […]
fake news
Vanilla Ice Declares War on ICE: “Stop Using My Song or Face the Funk!”
In what experts are calling “the most bizarre cease-and-desist of the century,” Vanilla Ice has officially forbidden U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) from using his 1990 smash hit Ice Ice Baby in any recruitment materials. “I don’t care if you’re trying to make border security cool,” Vanilla Ice reportedly […]
Screamo Vocalist’s Wife Leaves After Years of Him Yelling “MAKE SOME FUCKING NOISE” During Intimate Moments
A long-simmering domestic crisis finally boiled over this week after the wife of a well-known screamo vocalist reportedly left him, citing “creative differences,” “emotional exhaustion,” and “the absolute inability to relax for even five seconds.” According to close sources, the breakup stemmed from the singer’s apparent inability to separate stage […]
Pg. 99 Disband Again After Realizing They’ve Been Invited to Play Palestine
Legendary Virginia screamo collective Pg. 99 have reportedly disbanded once again — this time after the band collectively realized that the Palestine they’ve been passionately shouting about is, in fact, a real place that might actually require them to show up. According to sources close to the band (roughly eight […]
CRADLE OF FILTH Implodes As Ex-Members Sue Dani Filth For… Being Too Tall??
In news that absolutely no one had on their 2025 bingo card, five former Cradle of Filth members have united like the world’s angriest Power Rangers to sue Dani Filth — not for royalties, not for contracts, not for sigils, merch, or defamation… …but because Dani Filth allegedly wore platform […]
PETA Accuses GOJIRA Of “Whale Exploitation,” Demands Band Release All Invisible Whales Back Into The Ocean
In a development so absurd even the French government sighed and said “pas encore…”, a militant faction of PETA activists has officially declared war on Gojira after the band’s recent Paris performance of “Flying Whales.” Their accusation?“Whale exploitation, psychic whale captivity, and emotional manipulation of cetacean identities.” Yes. Psychic whales.Because […]
EVANESCENCE Announce 2026 World Tour; Amy Lee Finally Attempts To Prove She Is Not Courtney LaPlante Or Poppy
In what the internet is already calling “The Goth Pop Multiverse Tour”, EVANESCENCE have revealed their 2026 world domination plans: a full-scale trek across North America and Europe with SPIRITBOX, Poppy, K. Flay and NOVA TWINS. But insiders whisper there’s a secret mission behind the tour — and no, it’s […]
As I Lay Dying Admit They’ve Also Tried Abandoning Tim Lambesis at Gas Stations — “But He Always Finds Us”
In the wake of VITRIOL’s historic mid-tour self-detonation — three members fleeing into the Vermont wilderness and leaving Kyle Rasmussen alone with nothing but a windshield squeegee and his thoughts — a surprising support group has emerged: The new members of AS I LAY DYING. Turns out, when they heard […]
VITRIOL Frontman Invents Imaginary Band, Crowdfunds His Next Noseful
In a plot twist worthy of a low-budget tour documentary, Vitriol’s departing members reportedly didn’t just quit — they allegedly ghosted co-founder Kyle Rasmussen at a Vermont gas station with nothing but a half-empty Monster, a cracked phone charger, and his dignity slowly evaporating into the fluorescent lights. But Kyle, […]
ARCH ENEMY Meltdown Deepens as Angela Gossow Reportedly Deletes All Social Media and Flees to Remote Island to Escape Fan Demands
Just when the metal world thought the ARCH ENEMY / Alissa White-Gluz split couldn’t get any weirder, Angela Gossow — former vocalist, current manager, and eternal shadow looming over every lineup change — has apparently deleted all her social media accounts and vanished to a remote island where WiFi fears […]