A long-simmering domestic crisis finally boiled over this week after the wife of a well-known screamo vocalist reportedly left him, citing “creative differences,” “emotional exhaustion,” and “the absolute inability to relax for even five seconds.” According to close sources, the breakup stemmed from the singer’s apparent inability to separate stage […]
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Pg. 99 Disband Again After Realizing They’ve Been Invited to Play Palestine
Legendary Virginia screamo collective Pg. 99 have reportedly disbanded once again — this time after the band collectively realized that the Palestine they’ve been passionately shouting about is, in fact, a real place that might actually require them to show up. According to sources close to the band (roughly eight […]
CRADLE OF FILTH Implodes As Ex-Members Sue Dani Filth For… Being Too Tall??
In news that absolutely no one had on their 2025 bingo card, five former Cradle of Filth members have united like the world’s angriest Power Rangers to sue Dani Filth — not for royalties, not for contracts, not for sigils, merch, or defamation… …but because Dani Filth allegedly wore platform […]
PETA Accuses GOJIRA Of “Whale Exploitation,” Demands Band Release All Invisible Whales Back Into The Ocean
In a development so absurd even the French government sighed and said “pas encore…”, a militant faction of PETA activists has officially declared war on Gojira after the band’s recent Paris performance of “Flying Whales.” Their accusation?“Whale exploitation, psychic whale captivity, and emotional manipulation of cetacean identities.” Yes. Psychic whales.Because […]
EVANESCENCE Announce 2026 World Tour; Amy Lee Finally Attempts To Prove She Is Not Courtney LaPlante Or Poppy
In what the internet is already calling “The Goth Pop Multiverse Tour”, EVANESCENCE have revealed their 2026 world domination plans: a full-scale trek across North America and Europe with SPIRITBOX, Poppy, K. Flay and NOVA TWINS. But insiders whisper there’s a secret mission behind the tour — and no, it’s […]
As I Lay Dying Admit They’ve Also Tried Abandoning Tim Lambesis at Gas Stations — “But He Always Finds Us”
In the wake of VITRIOL’s historic mid-tour self-detonation — three members fleeing into the Vermont wilderness and leaving Kyle Rasmussen alone with nothing but a windshield squeegee and his thoughts — a surprising support group has emerged: The new members of AS I LAY DYING. Turns out, when they heard […]
VITRIOL Frontman Invents Imaginary Band, Crowdfunds His Next Noseful
In a plot twist worthy of a low-budget tour documentary, Vitriol’s departing members reportedly didn’t just quit — they allegedly ghosted co-founder Kyle Rasmussen at a Vermont gas station with nothing but a half-empty Monster, a cracked phone charger, and his dignity slowly evaporating into the fluorescent lights. But Kyle, […]
ARCH ENEMY Meltdown Deepens as Angela Gossow Reportedly Deletes All Social Media and Flees to Remote Island to Escape Fan Demands
Just when the metal world thought the ARCH ENEMY / Alissa White-Gluz split couldn’t get any weirder, Angela Gossow — former vocalist, current manager, and eternal shadow looming over every lineup change — has apparently deleted all her social media accounts and vanished to a remote island where WiFi fears […]
GUTALAX Announce Luxury “Toi-Toi Signature Series” After Golden Toilet Sells for $12.1 Million
The art world just spent $12.1 million on Maurizio Cattelan’s gaudy, 223-pound golden toilet — and naturally, Europe’s foremost porta-potty prophets GUTALAX have responded the only way they know how:By launching their own line of pre-used, fully “tested,” lovingly soiled Toi-Toi deluxe units, complete with authentic band-member autographs (written in […]
YUNGBLUD Finally Admits It: “Yeah, I Used Tinder To Promote My First Shows — And Sorry To Anyone Expecting a Romantic Night Out”
In a revelation that somehow feels both shocking and extremely on-brand, YUNGBLUD has officially confessed that his earliest gigs weren’t built on grassroots hustle or underground hype — they were built on Tinder matches. According to the singer (in this definitely real, totally reliable, not-at-all fabricated confession), filling a dingy […]