With July 4th approaching — and America preparing to celebrate roughly 250 years of being loud, armed, confused, and sponsored by barbecue sauce — SERJ TANKIAN is reportedly taking precautions.
According to absolutely no one, the SYSTEM OF A DOWN frontman has developed an emergency survival plan for Independence Day: sleep through the entire thing.
Not because he hates fun.
Not because he hates fireworks.
Not even because somebody nearby will inevitably blast “Courtesy Of The Red, White And Blue” from a pickup truck with three flags and one working brake light.
No.
The real danger is much worse. Someone might see SERJ smiling near grilled food and assume he loves America.
Sources close to the imaginary situation say SERJ has prepared a “patriotic contamination avoidance bunker” somewhere in California, containing noise-canceling headphones, blackout curtains, Armenian coffee, twelve books about imperialism, and one emergency copy of Toxicity labeled: “BREAK GLASS IN CASE OF FREEDOM.”
The plan is simple:
Take a medically inadvisable horse-dose of sleep aids.
Enter a 36-hour coma.
Wake up on July 5th, when America has returned to its normal state of yelling about Republicans. This is reportedly not the first time SERJ has struggled with the holiday. Every year, he faces the same nightmare scenario:
A firework goes off.
He looks outside.
The sky is beautiful.
A child waves a flag.
A hot dog smells good.
For one dangerous second, national sentiment begins forming. Then SERJ immediately whispers, “failed foreign policy,” and regains control. Insiders say the singer’s greatest fear is being photographed enjoying a sparkler, which would then be shared online with the caption: “SEE? EVEN SERJ LOVES AMERICA.”
This cannot happen.
Not after Understanding Oil.
Not after Howard Stern asking, “Do you hate America?”
Not after decades of being the guy who somehow turned political trauma, circus panic, Armenian rage, and absolute nonsense into arena metal. To be clear, SERJ does not hate America. He simply has the complicated relationship with it that most intelligent people have with their own Wi-Fi router: uses it every day, complains constantly, occasionally screams at it, and still refuses to move to a place without one.
Meanwhile, America will celebrate by doing what America does best: exploding things in the sky, grilling meat, arguing in parking lots, and pretending the British are still watching.
SERJ, however, will be unavailable for comment.
He will be asleep.
Possibly levitating.
Possibly dreaming of a better world.
Possibly waking up once at 11:58 PM, hearing one final firework, muttering “prison system,” and going back under.
Happy Fourth of July, everyone.
Please celebrate responsibly.
And whatever you do, do not tag SERJ in flag emojis.
