In a move that has shocked absolutely nobody who has been paying attention for the last seven years, SLAYER have announced yet another tour despite retiring in 2019, returning in 2024, and then spending the following years demonstrating that retirement is apparently just another type of touring schedule.
The newly announced run will celebrate the 40th anniversary of Reign In Blood, an album so enduring that it has now survived multiple SLAYER retirements.
The tour, reportedly co-headlined by SCORPIONS — a band whose own farewell plans have been under active revision since the invention of color television — is being marketed as “The Last-Last LAST Tour Ever”, after legal advisors determined that previous uses of “farewell,” “final,” “last,” “ultimate,” “end,” and “seriously this time” had already been exhausted.
According to insiders, the original press release was titled “SLAYER Return For Five Special Anniversary Shows”, but marketing executives feared fans would mistake that for a normal Tuesday.
Music historians have already begun updating the official SLAYER Retirement Timeline:
- 2019 — Farewell Tour
- 2024 — Reunion
- 2025 — More Shows
- 2026 — Last-Last LAST Tour Ever
- 2027 — Reign In Blood 41st Anniversary Celebration
- 2028 — Farewell To The Last-Last LAST Tour
- 2030 — Final Farewell To The Farewell Of The Last Tour
- 2033 — Tom Araya Says Hello To Someone At A Grocery Store, Triggering Reunion Rumors
- 2035 — SLAYER Announce Three “Absolutely Non-Tour Related” Festival Dates
- 2040 — Reign In Blood 55th Anniversary Retirement Spectacular
Industry experts estimate that SLAYER are now approximately halfway through their farewell career.
Meanwhile, SCORPIONS reportedly accepted the invitation after realizing they were one of the few bands on Earth qualified to discuss advanced retirement-tour techniques.
Fans purchasing VIP packages will reportedly receive:
- Early venue access
- Exclusive merchandise
- A commemorative “I Survived Another SLAYER Farewell Tour” laminate
- Priority access to tickets for the next farewell tour
When asked if this tour truly marks the end of SLAYER’s live activities, a representative allegedly replied:
“Of course. We are completely serious.
Until the next anniversary.”
At press time, sources confirmed that several promoters had already begun preparing offers for the “Reign In Blood 41 Years Of Retirement” world tour.
