In a bold move to protect American metal, the Trump administration has announced a sweeping new policy: tariffs on all foreign heavy metal bands entering the U.S. Effective immediately, bands from Europe, Asia, and especially Canada will be taxed for each riff, blast beat, and corpsepainted member they bring across the border.
“We don’t need to import noise when we already have our own proud noise-makers,” said an administration spokesperson, wearing an American flag do-rag and a Five Finger Death Punch tank top. “Why fly in ABBATH when we’ve got Kid Rock? That’s like importing black coffee when we already have Mountain Dew.”
The new tariff system includes:
$500 per studded wristband
$1000 per song over 200 BPM
$2000 surcharge if your band logo is unreadable
Extra $10,000 if your band is Gojira because “they’re French and woke”
Canadian metal bands were hit the hardest. Protesters from Voivod, Kataklysm, and Anvil attempted to storm the border with double-kick pedals in hand, only to be met with red hats and a wall made of Kid Rock CDs.
Meanwhile, American bands are being offered government subsidies to tour exclusively in rural Walmarts. Ted Nugent has already applied for 36 grants. Slayer was accidentally approved for 12 of them, despite retiring.
When asked about the economic impact on international touring, Trump himself stated from his gold-plated golf cart:
“Look, metal is very heavy. Shipping costs are huge. We’re saving money. Plus, we’ve got Limp Bizkit, haven’t heard anything heavier than that. Not even Norway.”
The tariff proposal is expected to be signed into law during a special ceremony in front of a Monster Truck rally, with a national anthem performed by Nickelback and pyrotechnics triggered by Toby Keith’s bass drops.
#black metal tariffs, #fake news, #make America metal again, #trump, #trump kidrocking
