In a turn of events so unexpected, even Satan himself would be confused, metal legends Slayer have announced they’re coming out of retirement for a few more shows in 2024. But hold on, folks, because this isn’t your typical “we missed the money” reunion tour. Oh no—this time, Slayer is bringing something truly unholy to the stage: a nursery house choir known as “Grandma’s From Hell.” Yes, you read that right. Tom Araya’s golden years are apparently that wild.
With three headlining festival appearances coming up—Riot Fest in Chicago on September 22, Louder Than Life in Louisville on September 27, and Aftershock in Sacramento on October 10—fans are buzzing about the promised “greatest stage production ever in the band’s history.” But the real jaw-dropper? The choir of retired grandmas, handpicked by Tom Araya himself, will be performing alongside Slayer, screeching backup vocals straight out of a fever dream.
“Grandma’s From Hell” – Bringing True Chaos to the Stage
You see, Slayer’s frontman Tom Araya has fully embraced retirement. And since his chiropractor advised him to ease up on headbanging after 40 years of thrash, Tom figured it’s time to mix things up. Instead of screaming “Angel of Death” with his bandmates, he’s opting for something a little more…uh, “seasoned.”
Enter “Grandma’s From Hell,” a 10-member choir of senior citizens, all of whom have been recruited from the world’s most hardcore nursery homes. These elderly warriors will be belting out Slayer’s classic anthems like “Raining Blood” and “South of Heaven” with voices that sound like a pack of ravenous cats trapped in a metal dumpster. Can’t wait!
“I’ve been screaming for decades. It’s time to let the grandmas take over. Plus, they really get into the spirit of ‘Reign in Blood’—you should hear them harmonize that chorus,” Araya said in a recent interview while knitting a skull-themed scarf.
High-Tech Stage Show… and Bingo?
Of course, the reunion won’t just be about the grandmas. Slayer’s stage production is rumored to be a spectacle so intense it might summon the apocalypse early—lasers, pyrotechnics, an animatronic goat, and, rumor has it, a Satanic bingo wheel. The crowd will participate in a life-or-death bingo match while the grandmas throw out metal horns and hardcore knitting patterns. Forget stage diving—this is stage crochet.
But that’s not all. Tom also revealed that his new “companions” will have full creative control over the show’s direction. “The mosh pits are going to be wild, but also very respectful. We’re handing out prune juice and hard candies between songs. You want to see true brutality? Watch these grandmas crush a Werther’s Original mid-solo.”
A Blast… from the Past?
Fans of the band are already preparing for the unique experience. “I mean, Slayer’s basically going for ‘Brutal Retirement Home Vibes,’ and I’m here for it,” said one fan who was last seen customizing his own wheelchair for maximum circle pit efficiency.
Kerry King, Slayer’s legendary guitarist, was more than happy to play along with the absurdity. “Honestly, at this point, anything’s possible. One day I’m shredding for thousands of fans, the next I’m harmonizing with Ethel over there. This is metal’s future: old, gray, and still raising hell.”
As for the grandmas themselves, they’ve already requested their dressing rooms be stocked with whiskey, blood-red yarn, and Netflix accounts to binge “Murder, She Wrote.”
So, if you thought Slayer’s farewell tour in 2019 was the end, think again. This is Slayer 2.0: louder, weirder, and now geriatric approved.
Tickets are expected to sell out faster than you can scream “SLAAAYER,” so grab yours while you can. You won’t want to miss the mosh pit of senior citizens. It’s going to be one hell of a ride… and possibly a trip to the chiropractor afterward.
Stay brutal, stay knitted, and see you in the pit—just be careful not to knock over Marge. She’s 86, but she’ll wreck you.
