Late last night, while doomscrolling through Truth Social for reasons we’re still trying to explain to our therapist, we stumbled upon what may be the most unexpected post in the platform’s history: Donald J. Trump reviewing the new DIMMU BORGIR album, “Grand Serpent Rising.” What began as a seemingly normal […]
Reviews from hell
Reviews from hell: “I Roared, I Moshed, I Ate A Tree” — An Actual Grizzly Bear Reviews SLAUGHTER TO PREVAIL’S New Single
SLAUGHTER TO PREVAIL is set to drop their beastly new album Grizzly on July 18 through Sumerian Records. The first single, “Russian Grizzly In America,” has already been unleashed alongside a feral new music video—complete with an animatronic bear and a cameo from UFC heavyweight Alexander Volkov. But forget human […]
DEICIDE’s Glen Benton Reviews SLEEP TOKEN’s “Even in Arcadia”: “I Thought I Was Being Pranked by Satan”
Glen Benton unexpectedly went journalism and sent us the following review. “So I’m sitting in my garage, minding my business—tuning my lawnmower to drop D and burning church incense for the weekend—when a package shows up. No return address. Just a black envelope sealed with wax and pretension. Inside? A […]
Gene Simmons Reviews CANNIBAL CORPSE “Tomb of the Mutilated,” Sees Business Opportunities in “Entrails Ripped From a Virgin’s Purse”
In a shocking turn of unlikely artistic appreciation, Gene Simmons of KISS has taken time away from trademarking oxygen and bottling his own sweat to review Cannibal Corpse’s 1992 death metal classic Tomb of the Mutilated. While most would shy away from a tracklist that sounds like a crime scene […]
Grandma From Iowa Reviews Slipknot’s Iowa: “They Sound Very Upset About Something, Probably the Weather”
Des Moines, IA — An 84-year-old grandmother from Iowa has gone viral this week after penning an unintentionally brutal yet heartfelt review of her grandson’s favorite album — Slipknot’s Iowa. Mildred “Millie” Hawthorne, who says she enjoys “a nice John Denver tune or anything where the singer isn’t actively screaming […]
Donald Trump Accidentally Reviews BRUJERIA’s “Brujerizmo”, Demands Immediate Deportation of Entire Band
“I don’t know what they’re saying, but it sounds illegal.” In a shocking yet somehow entirely predictable turn of events, Donald Trump found himself spiraling down a musical rabbit hole after accidentally listening to BRUJERIA’s 2000 album Brujerizmo, mistaking it for a new Taco Bell menu item. According to sources […]
Reviews from hell: Kanye West goes metal journalism with METALLICA’s “Ride The Lightning”
“Aight, listen up. Y’all been sleepin’ on me if you thought I was just gonna stay in rap, fashion, politics, architecture, religion, interior design, space exploration, and future government structuring. 2025 is the year Kanye West becomes the greatest metal journalist the world has ever seen. I ain’t here to […]
PANTERA “Cowboys From Hell”. “My Ears Are Bleedin’ and My Soul’s Confused: A Rodeo Man Review
By Buck Rawlins – Rodeo Retiree, Fence Repair Enthusiast, Accidental Headbanger “Well, Here’s Somethin’ That Ain’t Got No Horse In It…” Name’s Buck Rawlins. I’m 55 years young, born and bred in the sun-scorched dust of Amarillo, Texas. Rode my first bull at 12, broke my first rib at 13, […]
BEHEMOTH “Satanica”: A Hellish Easter Album Review by Pastor Earl Ray McGillicutty
First Calvary Snake-Handling Baptist Church of Buckshot County, AZ Well hallelujah and happy Resurrection Sunday, y’all. Now I know what you’re thinkin’: “Pastor Earl Ray, shouldn’t you be out back countin’ them plastic eggs filled with questionable chocolate and preachin’ about the empty tomb?” And normally yes, I’d be elbow-deep […]