Late last night, while doomscrolling through Truth Social for reasons we’re still trying to explain to our therapist, we stumbled upon what may be the most unexpected post in the platform’s history: Donald J. Trump reviewing the new DIMMU BORGIR album, “Grand Serpent Rising.”
What began as a seemingly normal rant about “VERY SCANDINAVIAN DARKNESS” quickly spiraled into a full-blown descent into symphonic black metal chaos, complete with accusations of demonic production values, compliments toward Shagrath’s “tremendous lungs,” and concerns from Secret Service agents about “moving shadows” during track eight.
We have absolutely no idea if this is real, satire, performance art, or the beginning of the apocalypse.
Either way, here it is.
I’m at Mar-a-Lago. Beautiful evening. PERFECT weather. Everybody’s happy. We’re eating meatloaf, the chefs are doing a tremendous job, and suddenly this guy — long hair, leather coat in FLORIDA, not practical — walks in carrying a wooden box chained shut like it contains Dracula’s tax returns.
He says, very seriously:
“Mr. President… Nuclear Blast requests your thoughts on the new DIMMU BORGIR album.”First of all — TERRIBLE band name. Sounds like a medication with side effects involving hallucinations and medieval warfare.
Second of all: who is “Nuclear Blast”? Incredible name, by the way. Very strong. Sounds military. I like that.
So I take the box. It’s freezing cold for some reason. VERY suspicious. Secret Service hates it immediately. One agent touches it and starts speaking what I assume was ancient Norwegian before vomiting near the fountain. Sad!
Inside is the album:
“GRAND SERPENT RISING.”And let me tell you something right now — this is not music for normal people.
The cover looks like SATAN opened a luxury ski resort.
I say: “Put it on.”
Big mistake.
The first track, “TRIDENTIUM,” starts playing and suddenly the entire room feels like a Viking funeral inside a haunted cathedral. Candles flickering. Dogs barking outside. One of the waiters crossed himself and LEFT. Completely quit on the spot. Low stamina!
Then “ASCENT” kicks in and honestly? TOTAL WAR.
The drums sound like artillery strikes during the END TIMES. The guitars? UNBELIEVABLE. Absolutely slicing through the room like a chainsaw operated by Lucifer himself. And the vocals — nobody warned me about the vocals.
This man Shagrath sounds like he eats gravel for breakfast and negotiates peace treaties between demons.
VERY deep voice. Very angry. Strong chest resonance. Probably tremendous lungs.
Melania walks in during “THE QRYPTFARER,” listens for about 14 seconds, says:
“Donald… why does it sound like the castle is under attack?”
And honestly? Fair question.At one point I thought the album ended but NO. It keeps going. SEVENTY MINUTES. Incredible endurance. Nobody has endurance anymore. Spotify ruined attention spans. TikTok ruined brains. DIMMU BORGIR said:
“No. We’re going to make the soundtrack to the collapse of civilization.”And they DID.
The song titles are absolutely OUT OF CONTROL.
“ULVGJELD & BLODSODEL.”
I asked six people how to pronounce it. Nobody knew. One guy started crying. Another guy saluted instinctively. VERY strange reactions.
Then there’s “REPOSITORY OF DIVINE TRANSMUTATION,” which sounds less like a song and more like a classified government operation hidden beneath the Arctic Circle.
Frankly, I respect it.
The fake news media will say this album is “too theatrical” or “too excessive.” WRONG.
Excess is GOOD. We love excess. America was BUILT on excess. Gold ceilings. Giant flags. Cheeseburgers. WINNING. DIMMU understands this better than most politicians.
And let me tell you — this album has ZERO low energy moments.
NONE.
Every song sounds like somebody discovered an ancient forbidden scroll and immediately declared war on Heaven.
Very motivational.
Around track 8, “PHANTOM OF THE NEMESIS,” I started feeling genuinely concerned there may be a portal opening somewhere beneath Palm Beach. The chandeliers were shaking. One Secret Service agent’s nose started bleeding. Another whispered:
“Sir… I think the shadows are moving.”I said:
“That’s how you know it’s a hit.”Also important: they REMOVED some of the orchestra nonsense from the older albums. Smart move. Cleaner. Meaner. More direct violence. The riffs breathe now. Very important. A lot of bands suffocate under their own garbage. DIMMU cleaned house like a Scandinavian real estate developer possessed by Satan.
By the end of the album I felt:
- Confused
- Threatened
- Extremely powerful
- Possibly cursed
Which is apparently what black metal fans WANT.
And frankly? I get it now.
This isn’t just an album.
It’s a hostile takeover.A gigantic, frostbitten, leather-clad declaration of war against subtlety itself.
Final rating:
9.5/10 flaming Nordic serpent skulls.Would I play it at a rally?
ABSOLUTELY.Would it summon something ancient beneath the stage?
Many people are saying yes.VERY serious album.
VERY dangerous.
VERY Scandinavian.TOTAL DOMINATION!!!
