Just when you thought Slayer had called it quits, here they are again, proving that “farewell tour” is just industry slang for “we’re not done milking this cash cow.” After their triumphant “final” shows at Aftershock and Riot Fest in 2024, the legendary thrashers are back, adding a not-so-final Canadian stop at the Festival d’été de Québec on July 11. But why stop there when there are still millions of metal fans who haven’t given them their last paycheck yet?
And so, Slayer continues their “We Swear It’s the Last One This Time, Seriously” tour with even bigger plans. Not only are they set to play Black Sabbath’s farewell in Birmingham (because one farewell show deserves another) and Louder Than Life in Louisville, but insiders report that Slayer is now taking private bookings for those with deep enough pockets.
Yes, you heard that right—Slayer is officially available for exclusive, high-stakes private events, with rumors of an upcoming Emirati palace gig. Sources say an unnamed Dubai sheikh, known for his love of extreme metal and exotic falconry, has booked Slayer for a one-night-only performance where they will shred atop a gold-plated dune buggy under the desert moonlight. Kerry King has reportedly agreed to wear a custom-made skull-embroidered thawb, while Tom Araya is practicing his “Angel of Death” intro in Arabic.
When asked about these new shows, a representative for the band responded: “Why should KISS be the only ones getting filthy rich off of saying goodbye ten times? We’re aiming higher—next stop, a Slayer residency at the Burj Khalifa.”
Industry experts predict that at this rate, Slayer’s farewell tour will outlast most marriages, eventually leading to full-time performances at elite gatherings—corporate retreats, oligarch yacht parties, and possibly even a royal metal wedding in Monaco. Meanwhile, fans eagerly await the 2026 Farewell Tour Redux, featuring special edition $1,000 “Limited Farewell Edition” tickets, which, just like the band’s retirement plans, will never actually expire.
Stay tuned. More “farewells” coming soon.
#farewell to farewells, #let the money hit the floor, #Slayer
