In the wake of the U.S. government’s new “Make Metal American Again” tariffs, desperate European promoters have begun smuggling bands into the States under the guise of tribute acts — triggering what Customs officials are calling “Operation Corpsepaint.”
This week, U.S. Border Patrol agents detained a van at the Vermont border claiming to be “The Detroit Darkthrone Experience.” Upon inspection, the group turned out to be the actual members of Darkthrone, unsuccessfully faking American accents and offering free cans of Monster to agents.
“I’m not Fenriz, I’m… uh… Frank D. Rizz. From Ohio,” said the drummer, visibly holding a Norwegian passport and a signed Peaceville Records reissue.
Meanwhile, a German metalcore band attempted to enter the country disguised as “The Official Alabama Parkway Drive.” Customs were initially convinced until one member asked where to plug in his “Euro-voltage” breakdown generator.
Canadian bands have also joined the underground smuggling network. Protest The Hero tried passing as a Lynyrd Skynyrd tribute band called “Leonard Skynyrd” with fake Southern drawls and Confederate flag guitar straps. They were immediately banned from the South and the North for confusion and excessive irony.
The FBI has since released a list of suspicious “tribute bands” under investigation:
Panthera (actually just Sepultura in cowboy hats)
James Sabbath (rumored to be Zakk Sabbath with wigs and fake mustaches)
Kountry KoЯn (believed to be Ukrainian nu-metal operatives)
Trivibrant Horizon of Machine Gun Theory (might just be a French progressive band pretending to be five others)
A White House insider claims a “Metal Purity Task Force” is being formed, led by Kid Rock, Ted Nugent, and a cardboard cutout of Axl Rose wearing a flag cape.
In response, European promoters have begun lobbying for Metal Asylum Status, arguing that sending ABBATH back to Norway during U.S. summer is “cruel and unusual punishment due to high corpsepaint melt risk.”
More as this story headbangs forward.
