As France emerges as the statistical favorite to win the 2026 FIFA World Cup, French metal giants GOJIRA have reportedly unveiled plans for a suitably patriotic victory celebration.
And by “patriotic,” we mean “deeply alarming to everyone outside France.”
According to completely fabricated reports, the band has promised to stage a massive public reenactment of the execution of Jeanne d’Arc should Les Bleus lift the trophy on July 19.
The announcement follows Olympic opening ceremony 2024, in which GOJIRA introduced billions of viewers to French culture through the universally relatable themes of decapitation, revolution, fire, and public execution.
Many international viewers described the performance as “dark.”
The French described it as “Tuesday.”
Now, with France considered the favorite to win football’s biggest prize, GOJIRA are allegedly preparing what organizers call “an even more French celebration.”
Leaked plans reportedly include:
- A 300-foot mechanical Jeanne d’Arc.
- Twelve flamethrowers.
- A choir singing revolutionary songs.
- Three historians desperately trying to explain the context.
- One American news channel asking whether this violates religious freedom.
- A disclaimer reading: “Please stop emailing us. This happened in the 1400s.”
Witnesses claim the proposal was approved after only one question from French authorities:
“Can we make it heavier?”
International football fans have expressed confusion.
Spanish supporters reportedly asked why France celebrates sporting victories with historical trauma.
English supporters asked the same question before quietly remembering their own history.
American viewers remain unsure whether Jeanne d’Arc was:
- a queen,
- a saint,
- a football manager,
- or a DLC character from Assassin’s Creed.
Meanwhile, social media has erupted with concern that GOJIRA may be taking things too far.
The band responded by pointing out that the last time they appeared at a major international event, they put a severed Marie Antoinette on a building and somehow became the least controversial part of the ceremony.
Sources close to the group say additional victory concepts were rejected for being “too French.”
Among them:
- Recreating the entire French Revolution between halftime and the trophy presentation.
- Turning the Eiffel Tower into a giant guillotine.
- Releasing 50,000 baguettes from military aircraft.
- Having Kylian Mbappé crowned Emperor before being overthrown 20 minutes later.
As of press time, bookmakers still favored France to win the tournament.
French citizens were reportedly divided between supporting the plan and arguing that the historical accuracy could be improved.
Because in France, apparently, even fictional public executions are subject to peer review.