Well, folks, it’s official: AS I LAY DYING’s highly anticipated European tour is off the table, and the reason is a little more muscle-bound than you’d expect. Following bassist Ryan Neff’s dramatic exit, citing “personal and professional reasons” (which we all know is code for “Lambesis’ sweat puddles are life-threatening”), the rest of the band and crew have also abandoned ship.
According to inside sources, the real issue is Tim Lambesis’ towering protein obsession. “It’s not just the shakes, it’s everything,” confessed a former crew member, still recovering from protein-bar-induced PTSD. “The guy’s turned the tour bus into a personal gym. Between the endless sweating and lifting, there’s literally no space for anyone else. We tried to sneak in, but it was like living inside a sauna with a giant bodybuilder.”
As if being squished into a corner wasn’t bad enough, the band reportedly lived in constant fear that if they missed a single note, they’d end up on the wrong side of a hired hitman. “Look, we’re all about staying in tune, but it’s hard to focus when you’re wondering if today’s the day Tim calls in a favor.”
With no band left to share the stage, the European tour has been officially cancelled. Lambesis, meanwhile, is rumored to be bench-pressing the tour bus while downing enough protein to keep it running. Fans are left to wonder if Tim will be hitting the road solo—or if the next AS I LAY DYING album will feature the world’s first all-protein-shake percussion section.
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