In a shocking move that has already baffled metalheads and moms alike, death metal legends DEICIDE have announced their first-ever Christmas album for children, “Sleigh Bells and Hell Spells”. The band insists this is their way of spreading “seasonal Satanic joy” to the next generation.
“We’ve conquered the adult market,” said frontman Glen Benton in an entirely straight-faced press release. “It’s time to bring a little infernal spirit to the playroom. Besides, what kid wouldn’t want DEICIDE under the Christmas tree?”
The album promises a mix of holiday classics and original tracks, all given that signature DEICIDE twist. Some of the jolly titles include:
- “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Hellhound”
- “O Come, All Ye Blasphemous”
- “Frosty the Soul Reaper”
- “Deck the Halls with Bowels of Demons”
- “Away in a Manger (But Still No God)”
- “Satan Claws is Coming to Town”
The band has even reimagined “Silent Night” as “Violent Night”, featuring guttural growls backed by blast beats and sleigh bells.
Benton added, “It’s the ultimate stocking stuffer—perfect for toddlers, Satanists-in-training, or even just traumatizing the carolers at your door. Think of it as The Night Before Christmas… but with more flames.”
DEICIDE has also hinted at a limited-edition vinyl that comes with a “Do-It-Yourself Pentagram Ornament Kit.” Fans are already speculating that this is either the most ironic joke in metal history or a terrifyingly sincere attempt to monopolize the holiday season.
No matter the intent, one thing is clear: this album will definitely get Grandma to stop asking you to play Michael Bublé at Christmas dinner.
