In an unexpected twist, sources have confirmed that Elon Musk has finally secured a powerful role in President-elect Donald Trump’s administration as the first-ever head of the National Department of Death and Black Metal. The announcement came just hours after a raucous dinner at Mar-a-Lago, where Musk and Trump reportedly bonded over a shared appreciation for “efficiency, darkness, and Norwegian despair.”
The department’s creation shocked both Washington insiders and the metal community, as it is tasked with a range of uncharted responsibilities: overseeing nationwide metalhead morale, managing black metal tourism to Nordic countries, and, naturally, “bringing extreme vibes to all 50 states.” Musk’s vision, according to insiders, is to flood every community with the kind of relentless intensity that “keeps America awake at night.”
Trump spoke warmly of Musk’s qualifications for the role: “Elon understands black metal’s place in American greatness. We don’t want wimpy rockers—we want riffs that summon volcanoes.”
In his first initiative, Musk plans to roll out Darknet, a government-backed internet service exclusively streaming unholy death and black metal content. Rumored to feature raw, unpolished demos from “the darkest corners of Scandinavia,” Darknet will be available on every federal website, including DMV portals and national park guides.
Moreover, Musk has hinted that “a few changes” are coming to SpaceX. Going forward, only metal-inspired launches will be allowed, with rockets rebranded as “Shrieks of the Void” and spacesuits updated with spiked shoulder pads.
