In a shocking (but not really) revelation, the masterminds behind Warped Tour’s rumored 2025 comeback have finally broken their silence about their true motivations. According to a “source,” who may or may not have been wearing a branded Warped Tour hoodie while sipping a $12 energy drink, the whole thing boils down to one thing: cold, hard cash.
“We’ve been dying to sell some overpriced drinks again,” said an anonymous organizer who clearly isn’t Kevin Lyman, but let’s be honest, probably is. “I mean, the profit margins on $8 water bottles? Insane. Merch sales? We’re talking money flowing faster than the sweat of fans standing in the summer heat for hours.”
The legendary festival, which launched countless bands—and Katy Perry for some reason—is apparently returning for its 30th anniversary in 2025. But this time, they’re not even pretending it’s about the music. “Nostalgia sells, and we’re ready to capitalize,” said the totally-not-Kevin source, adding that they’ve already started printing $50 commemorative T-shirts that will inevitably shrink after one wash.
As if to cement their dedication to cashing in, Warped Tour is teaming up with Live Nation, a company known for their impeccable commitment to charging fees for everything from standing too close to the stage to breathing the festival air.
When asked about the festival’s competition with When We Were Young, the new king of overpriced emo nostalgia, organizers shrugged. “Hey, if people are willing to pay hundreds to relive their teenage angst, why not us? And don’t forget—our beer prices will be just slightly higher.”
So, what can fans expect in 2025? Well, apart from having their wallets drained, there’s a high chance of some big names like Blink-182, My Chemical Romance, and maybe even Katy Perry showing up to relive the days when they were young—and slightly cheaper.
