“We have to protect American rock,” Trump stated in a press conference held in front of a wall made entirely of Guitar Hero controllers. “These cloaked British weirdos are sneaking into our country with moody chords and feelings. Feelings! Not on my watch. Not again. This is a Christian nation. No crying in arenas!”
The tariff, dubbed the Vessel Tax, aims to charge foreign artists an emotional fee for every tear, goosebump, or spiritual awakening caused during live performances. According to leaked documents, the White House is concerned about “mass vulnerability events” erupting at venues where Even In Arcadia is performed in full.
Trump also accused Sleep Token of “stealing jobs from real American acts like Nickelback and Kid Rock,” adding:
“We used to rock hard in this country. We had riffs. We had ego. Now we have fog machines, poetry, and songs named Caramel. What’s next? A tax break for whisper vocals?”
When pressed for comment, Sleep Token responded by doing absolutely nothing, maintaining their vow of eternal silence, which ironically only increased their power.
Meanwhile, the Department of Homeland Security is reportedly confused about how to process a band with no known identities. Vessel’s passport is believed to just be a piece of parchment that says “I am many,” signed with a blood-soaked feather.
Backlash to Trump’s “Protect Our Rock Act” has been swift, especially from younger voters who already renamed the Barclays Center to “The Arcadium” in honor of the band’s upcoming show.
Some conservative commentators have praised the tariff, though they admit they cried a little during “Infinite Baths.”
“It was allergies,” insisted Senator Josh Hawley while wiping his eyes.
The “Even In Arcadia” U.S. tour, already sold out in most cities, is being monitored closely by federal agents trained to identify outbreaks of mass spiritual catharsis. A mobile confession booth will trail the tour, sponsored by Chick-fil-A.
Despite the crackdown, industry insiders expect Even In Arcadia to receive a nomination for Best National Threat Masquerading as an Album at the next Grammys.
