The inaugural Tool Live In The Sand festival in Punta Cana, Dominican Republic, was meant to be a dream vacation for die-hard TOOL fans—sun, surf, and two nights of the band’s transcendent, ever-evolving live performances. Instead, attendees were treated to the same four songs—”Fear Inoculum,” “Rosetta Stoned,” “Pneuma,” and “Jambi”—without much variation on both nights, leading some to believe they had entered an extended version of the “Lateralus” time loop.
With tickets alone costing between $4,000 and $10,000 (excluding travel and the mandatory ayahuasca trip to fully grasp the band’s spiritual essence), some disgruntled fans are now exploring legal action against the band. The Law Office of Stas Rusek, based in Atlanta, has stepped in, seeking to represent those who felt that dropping the price of a used car on a TOOL vacation should have yielded more than just an eerily similar déjà vu experience.
“I love TOOL, but damn,” said Rusek, who attended the event himself. “I was expecting something special. But nope — just the same stuff on repeat while I questioned my life choices.”
In response to the looming lawsuit, TOOL frontman Maynard James Keenan has issued a statement addressing the controversy. While he firmly denies any wrongdoing, he does acknowledge the frustration of fans who expected variety but received something more akin to a progressive metal Groundhog Day.
“Listen, I just wanted to make some easy money,” Keenan admitted. “I didn’t expect to have to give it back. But I’m a reasonable guy, so here’s my offer: if you’re really that upset, I’ll personally mail you some of my pubic hair. Sell it on eBay, frame it, weave it into a necklace—whatever you need to do to recoup your expenses. TOOL fans are known for their deep appreciation of the sacred and the profane. Consider this… a relic of your spiritual journey.”
The offer has left fans divided. Some are already listing “authentic Maynard DNA strands” on Etsy for absurd prices, while others feel this is just adding insult to injury. One particularly dedicated fan, however, has suggested that with enough of these samples, an advanced cloning project could be initiated to create multiple Maynards—each of whom could then perform a different setlist simultaneously.
As of now, the class-action lawsuit remains in the early stages, with attendees weighing their options between legal retribution and opening a boutique that exclusively sells frontman follicle memorabilia. For those still considering taking legal action, Rusek has updated his firm’s slogan: “If you paid TOOL, let TOOL pay you!”
