For decades, Florida was the undisputed American capital of death metal. Tampa. Morrisound. Sunburns, blast beats, and riffs so thick you could drown an alligator in them. This was a land where palm trees trembled under downtuned guitars and humidity was considered a production technique. But something has shifted. This […]
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BREAKING: Wacken Metal Battle USA Winners MOURNING HIGH Also Gift Their Trophy to Trump
Inspired by the recent Nobel Peace Prize Weirdness, last year’s Wacken Metal Battle USA winners MOURNING HIGH have reportedly decided to hand over their hard-earned trophy to President Donald J. Trump. Why? Because apparently this is a thing now. According to sources very familiar with distortion pedals and extremely unfamiliar […]
ALLEGATIONS Haven’t Released a Debut Album Yet — But Are Already the Most Controversial Cancelcore Band in America
In a historic first for heavy music, culture wars, and terminally online behavior, metalcore newcomers ALLEGATIONS have officially become the most famous, most hated, most discussed, and most problematic band in the United States — without releasing a single song. No EP.No single.No Bandcamp demo recorded on a Nokia. Just […]
Psychology Study Reveals Metal Musicians Are Motivated By Competition, Sex — And Bassists Are Motivated By… Something Else Entirely
A new scientific breakthrough finally explains why metal bass players look like that. A 2022 psychology study has attempted to decode what truly drives metal guitarists: is it sex, is it status, or is it the eternal, primal need to shred slightly faster than the guy in the other band? […]
BREAKING: Slash’s Hair Inducted Into the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame
In what historians are already calling the most important cultural event since the invention of distortion, Slash’s hair has officially been inducted into the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame during a surprise ceremony last weekend. Not Slash. The hair. The legendary, untamed, top-hatted, gravity-defying mass of curls that has […]
GWAR Prepare Secret New Year Ritual Show To Banish Mariah Carey From The Timeline Forever (Probably)
GWAR — the intergalactic barbarian overlords of shock metal, famous for turning live shows into gore-soaked theatrical massacres — are reportedly planning a one-off, secret New Year ritual performance tomorrow night (December 31) at an undisclosed location somewhere between reality, hell, and a condemned strip mall. For over four decades, […]
Ticket Reseller Apologizes After Accidentally Booking Lamb of God for Baby Jesus
In a plot twist no one asked for but many briefly believed, a major ticket resale platform has apologized after mistakenly advertising a Lamb of God concert in Spartanburg, South Carolina — when the actual event was, in fact, a Christian spiritual about the birth of Jesus Christ. Yes. That […]
SLEEP TOKEN Barred From Flight To Mexico After Refusing To Remove Masks At Airport Security
In a tragic blow to anonymity, ritual, and extremely committed branding, mysterious UK collective Sleep Token were reportedly denied boarding on a flight to Mexico after refusing to remove their masks during airport security screening. According to eyewitnesses, the band arrived at the terminal fully robed, fully masked, and fully […]
No Presents for Posers: An Evil Metal Christmas Soundtrack
Christmas is a tricky time for metalheads.You either disappear into the shadows until January, or you risk being caught within ten feet of a jingle bell, a novelty sweater, or — Satan forbid — a festive mood. But even the most committed disciples of darkness still live in a world […]
Vanilla Ice Declares War on ICE: “Stop Using My Song or Face the Funk!”
In what experts are calling “the most bizarre cease-and-desist of the century,” Vanilla Ice has officially forbidden U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) from using his 1990 smash hit Ice Ice Baby in any recruitment materials. “I don’t care if you’re trying to make border security cool,” Vanilla Ice reportedly […]