(The Ultimate Guide to Being the Worst Human in the Pit)
So, you’re heading to a concert and thinking: “How can I make this magical live music experience all about me?” Excellent mindset! If your goal is to be remembered as that person—the one that people still talk about in therapy—follow these 10 absolutely toxic, thoroughly disrespectful tips and you’ll be the headliner of irritation.
1. Wear a Hat. The Bigger, The Better.
Baseball cap? Amateur hour. We’re going full Yeehaw Apocalypse. Think cowboy hat big enough to block the view of three counties. Bonus points if it’s got sparkles, fringe, or a random feather from a bird that definitely didn’t survive the encounter. Remember: if people behind you can still see the stage, you’re not trying hard enough.
2. Are You Over 6 Feet? Front Row, Baby.
You tall? Good. Now be strategically inconsiderate. Plant yourself in the very front row like the human skyscraper you are. And hey—while you’re at it, why not hoist your petite girlfriend onto your shoulders during the one song that everyone came to see? People didn’t wait five hours in line for a clear view—they came to stare at your spine.
3. Film. The. Entire. Show.
Why enjoy the concert when you can experience it later in blurry vertical footage with garbage audio? Hold that phone as high as humanly possible, like you’re raising Simba. Rotate between portrait and landscape mode every 30 seconds just to really enhance the chaos. You’re not annoying anyone—you’re archiving history.
4. Showering Is for Losers. Embrace the Funk.
Real fans marinate in their own stench. Don’t you dare bathe for at least seven days prior. Let the natural bouquet of old sweat, festival beer, and regret ferment until you achieve Peak Pit Pungency™. You’ll clear a five-foot radius and establish dominance like a skunk in heat. Eau de Human Dumpster, now in travel size!
5. Mosh During the Ballads.
Some might say, “This song is a heartfelt acoustic piece about their dead dog.” To that we say: circle pit time. Show your respect by dropkicking strangers during the emotional piano outro. Remember, if you’re not concussing someone during a whispered chorus, are you even moshing?
6. Crowd Surf for the Entire Show.
Once? Nah. You’re better than that. Become a human beach ball, tossed from stranger to stranger like a sweaty sack of potatoes. Don’t worry if people are exhausted or physically incapable of catching you. Their broken backs are a small price to pay for your full-body gliding experience.
7. Sing at Max Volume—Into Someone’s Ear.
No one came to hear the band, right? They came to hear you. Bonus points if you’re off-key, slurring, or belting out the wrong lyrics. Pro tip: lean in real close to the person next to you and scream-sing like you’re auditioning for the role of “Annoying Goblin #1” in a low-budget musical.
8. Chat Loudly About Literally Anything.
Band starts playing? That’s your cue to yell over the music about your failed Tinder dates, your lactose intolerance, or the tragic story of your neighbor’s missing cat. People love being part of your personal podcast, especially when they paid $80 to not hear the band.
9. Spill Your Drink on Everyone. Share the Wealth.
You bought that overpriced beer not to drink it—pfft, no—but to baptize strangers with it. Accidentally? That’s boring. Do it with flair. Make dramatic arm movements. Mosh with your plastic cup of IPA like it’s a medieval weapon. Shout, “FREE BOOZE!” like you’re the Robin Hood of inconvenience.
10. Get Wasted. Get Loud. Get Removed.
Finally, no concert experience is complete without one blackout menace screaming “WHOOO!” during the saddest song of the night, hugging strangers who clearly don’t want to be hugged, and eventually either puking on someone’s jacket or getting kicked out by security. It’s performance art. Own it.
Final Thought: Be the Chaos You Wish to See in the Pit
Following even one of these tips ensures you’ll be the most unforgettable person at the show—for all the wrong reasons. You’re not just annoying. You’re a walking public service announcement. Bravo, champ.
Now go forth and make everyone question why they left the house.
