Just when you thought the underground metal scene couldn’t get any more fluid-focused, the current tour featuring Profanatica, Unidad Trauma, and Knoll has become the most biohazardous event of the summer — and no, it’s not because someone puked in the pit (yet).
In case you missed the sacred moment that kicked it all off: Profanatica recently decided that CDs and shirts are for cowards. Instead, they launched what might be the boldest merch move since Gene Simmons licensed air — a literal vial of drummer Paul Ledney’s semen, sold for $50 at a live show. Yes, that’s right. Fifty bucks. One man’s… soul sauce. One lucky fan. Thousands of unanswerable questions.
Naturally, this sent shockwaves across the metal merch community. Some called it revolutionary, others called the CDC. But then Travis Ryan of CATTLE DECAPITATION decided to stir the cauldron even further with this Facebook post:
BREAKING: In a stunning move that many critics are calling a gross violation of HIPAA laws, Tijuana’s merchants of malpractice Unidad Trauma release disturbing merch item in the form of the urine samples they have recently collected from some of their patients in light of tour mates Profanatica’s selling-vials-of-their-drummer’s-ejaculate debacle.
Don’t miss this awesome tour that also includes Tennessee’s Funeral Grind stalwarts Knoll at the following remaining dates:
• 7/11 – Las Vegas, NV @ The Usual Place
• 7/14 – Denver, CO @ Hi‑Dive
• 7/17 – Denton, TX @ Rubber Gloves
• 7/18 – Austin, TX @ Empire Garage
• 7/19 – Houston, TX @ Black Magic
• 7/20 – New Orleans, LA @ Santos
• 7/21 – Pensacola, FL @ Handlebar
• 7/22 – Cape Coral, FL @ Nice Guys
• 7/24 – Orlando, FL @ Conduit
• 7/25 – Atlanta, GA @ 529
• 7/29 – Baltimore, MD @ Metro Gallery
• 7/30 – Philadelphia, PA @ Underground Arts
• 7/31 – Brooklyn, NY @ TV Eye
• 8/01 – Providence, RI @ Alchemy
• 8/02 – Newark, NJ @ Dingbatz (no Profanatica or Knoll)
Yes, it’s all getting very “medical fetish power hour”, and we’re not even at the halfway point of the tour.
While Profanatica’s “Holy Handful” merch might have been the initial climax (pun intended), Unidad Trauma is taking things to a whole new sterile, acidic level. Forget vinyl — fans now have the chance to own someone else’s pee. No word yet if there’s a deluxe edition with matching test results.
Knoll, for their part, have wisely stayed silent. But we’re assuming if this escalates further, their merch table might soon include sweat-stained towels, toenail clippings, or one perfectly preserved mucous plug.
If you’ve ever wanted a live show that feels like a satanic clinic crossed with a DIY biology class — congratulations, this tour is for you. Just don’t forget your gloves. Or your ethics.
Catch the tour before someone starts bottling spinal fluid. Or worse, makes a subscription box.
