WASHINGTON D.C. — President Donald Trump’s latest attempt to classify Antifa as a “MAJOR TERRORIST ORGANIZATION” has already sparked confusion, but now, according to one anonymous White House staffer, the real threat might not be Antifa at all — it’s Burzum posters mysteriously appearing inside the West Wing. The staffer, […]
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EUROPE Fans Outraged as Band Skips “The Final Countdown,” Demand Refunds for Missed Nostalgia
Stockholm, Sweden – In what concertgoers are calling “the biggest betrayal since Judas Priest flirted with synths,” fans of the legendary rock band EUROPE are demanding refunds after the group committed the ultimate crime: they didn’t play “The Final Countdown.” Yes, the very song that has been blaring in every […]
An Open Letter From Morgan Wallen to Fred Durst concerning new LIMP BIZKIT Single
So Limp Bizkit went and did the unthinkable (again): they dropped their first new song in four years, titled “Making Love to Morgan Wallen.” Yes, you read that right. Fred Durst name-dropped Chester Bennington, David Bowie, and Pootie Tang — before somehow deciding to close things out by making Morgan […]
Massachusetts Sleep Token Fans Selling Organs, Firstborns, and Souls to Afford Tour Tickets
WORCESTER, MA — Forget paying rent, buying food, or keeping your dog alive—Massachusetts Sleep Token fans are facing the biggest financial decision of their lives: whether to mortgage their souls for a chance to hear “The Summoning” live. Tickets for the band’s sold-out September 23rd show at the DCU Center […]
Devin Townsend Confirms: “I’m Not Online, Because I Can’t Prove I’m Human”
In an era when every artist lives on social media, Devin Townsend has revealed why he doesn’t actually exist on the internet: he simply can’t pass the “verify you are a human” test. While fans have long suspected that Devin’s Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok accounts were run by aliens, trolls, […]
GREEN DAY Cancels All September Shows After Billie Joe Armstrong Reminds Everyone Not To Wake Him Up
Fans across South America and the U.S. were left shocked (but also not really) this week after GREEN DAY announced they were canceling all of their September dates. The reason? Frontman Billie Joe Armstrong simply asked the world to respect his long-standing wish: don’t wake him up until September ends. […]
CRADLE OF FILTH Drama Heads to Amazon Prime as Teen Melodrama Series
Move over Euphoria — there’s a new goth melodrama in town. Amazon Prime has reportedly greenlit Cradle High: The Filth Diaries, a teenage soap opera based on the ongoing drama within CRADLE OF FILTH. The pilot episode, allegedly titled Effective Immediately, kicks off with keyboardist/singer Zoë Federoff storming out of […]
Man Confuses System of a Down Show with Private OnlyFans Session, Masturbates, Gets Booted
Ah yes, another wholesome evening of Korn and System of a Down bringing people together in New Jersey—moshing, singing, and, apparently, one guy auditioning for American Hand Idol in the middle of the crowd. On August 27th, at MetLife Stadium, one concertgoer decided that “Chop Suey!” wasn’t just a song—it […]
PeelingFlesh to Star in New Tulsa King Season — Accidentally Bankrupts Stallone’s Crew by Smoking All Their Weed
In what critics are already calling “the most believable crossover of all time,” Tulas-based slam metal band PeelingFlesh has been cast in the upcoming season of Tulsa King. The show, which stars Sylvester Stallone as Dwight “The General” Manfredi, will reportedly take a wild turn when Stallone’s aging mobster recruits […]
DYING FETUS Surge in Popularity After Fans Confuse John Gallagher with Oasis Guitarist
Death metal titans Dying Fetus have recently experienced a bizarre explosion in popularity — and not because of their brutal riffs, but because thousands of casual music fans mistakenly believe John Gallagher also plays in Oasis. It all started when a viral tweet declared: “Wow, Oasis guitarist John Gallagher also […]