In a plot twist worthy of a low-budget tour documentary, Vitriol’s departing members reportedly didn’t just quit — they allegedly ghosted co-founder Kyle Rasmussen at a Vermont gas station with nothing but a half-empty Monster, a cracked phone charger, and his dignity slowly evaporating into the fluorescent lights.
But Kyle, ever the visionary, immediately pivoted to what he called “the only logical next step for a modern extreme metal artist”: launching a GoFindMe campaign titled:
“SUPPORT MY COCAINE SUPPLY SO I CAN TOUR WITH MY IMAGINARY SESSION MUSICIANS.”
According to the campaign page (written like someone just discovered caps lock and enlightenment simultaneously):
“THE BAND LEFT ME BECAUSE THEY CAN’T SEE THE BIG PICTURE.
THE BIG PICTURE IS: I PLAY BETTER WHEN I CAN SEE SOUNDS AND SMELL COLORS.
PLEASE HELP FUND MY CREATIVE JOURNEY.”
The listed expenses include:
$900 – “Premium visionary powder from artisanal small-batch sources.”
$300 – “Snacks so I don’t die.”
$12,000 – “Imaginary touring crew salaries (union rules, don’t ask).”
$47 – “Bus fare back from the gas station if no one donates.”
He also announced the formation of his new touring lineup:
Lead Guitar: Kyle’s higher self
Bass: “A shadow figure I met during a particularly productive bender”
Drums: “Two raccoons in a trench coat, spiritually aligned”
Backing Vocals: Fans who accidentally click the donate button
Tier rewards are perfectly on-brand:
$5 – “I whisper your name to my hallucinations.”
$50 – “You get a VIP meet-and-greet with my imaginary band. They’re very friendly.”
$250 – “You can leave me at a gas station too, for the full experience.”
$666 – “I will personally blame you in a future statement.”
Rumor has it he already raised enough to buy a cold brew and one (1) suspiciously small baggie from a guy named “Carburetor Rick.”
Meanwhile, the former members have allegedly formed a new project called “No, Seriously, We Just Wanted to Go Home.”
