In what scientists are already calling “the worst idea since Jurassic Park but with more eyeliner,” Liquid Death has officially put Ozzy Osbourne’s DNA on sale for just $450 a vial. Because when you think hydration, you think bat-biting, mumbling Prince of Darkness, right?
Introducing Infinite Ozzy™, the world’s first iced tea can infused with actual DNA from a rock legend who once famously confused a bat for a snack. The brand claims Ozzy drank ten cans of their iced tea (which, honestly, is impressive for someone whose bloodstream is already 40% Marlboro smoke and prescription fog), and each was immediately sealed to trap in his essence, presumably before it escaped and tried to marry Sharon again.
But here’s where it gets weirder — as news broke about the possibility of cloning Ozzy, a coalition of angry bats issued a joint screech through their representative at the International Bat Union (IBU):
“We let him bite one of us. ONE. TIME. And now humans wanna clone him?! We will not sit silently while 10 more Ozzys are unleashed upon the Earth, stumbling through fog machines and eating whatever flies past their faces.”
According to anonymous sources, the bats are considering legal action or, more likely, just flying directly into people’s hair as a warning.
Meanwhile, fans are rushing to buy these “DNA cans” despite questions like, “How much tea can someone spill before it stops being metal and starts being gross?” or “Do we really need a future where Ozzy opens his own daycare of mini-Ozzys called ‘Bark at the Preschool’?”
Each can comes sealed in a lab-quality container, hand-signed by Ozzy. Liquid Death is quick to note that cloning is “technically illegal right now,” but hey — laws are for mortals, not the undead godfathers of heavy metal.
When asked for comment, Ozzy simply growled:
“Clone me, you bastards.”
The bats, however, had the last word. One was seen flying past a Liquid Death billboard, spray-painting it with a single word in red guano:
“NEVERMORE.”
