In a shocking turn of events, Five Finger Death Punch has reportedly turned down an invitation to perform at this year’s Vans Warped Tour, citing “confusion” over the event’s lineup.
The iconic heavy metal band, known for their no-nonsense, stadium-shaking anthems, was extended an invitation to join the historic tour, which is making a comeback this summer. However, after receiving the list of bands scheduled to perform, FFDP’s management quickly declined the offer, and frontman Ivan Moody delivered the news personally in a statement that left fans scratching their heads.
“We got the invite, and it was tempting,” said Moody in the statement. “I mean, the money’s good, but we started reading through the lineup, and we were like, ‘Are these actual bands, or is this some kind of elaborate prank?’”
Among the bands slated to appear at the Washington, D.C. show alone were a dizzying array of names like Beauty School Dropout, Honey Revenge, Scary Kids Scaring Kids, and World’s First Cinema.
“Look, we’re old school,” continued Moody. “We’re down for the classics, but when we saw ‘408’ and ‘Sace6,’ we thought it was a coding error. We don’t even know if that’s music or a malfunctioning toaster. This lineup looks like a ‘name your band after a MySpace profile’ contest from 2007. We don’t do high school talent shows anymore.”
Despite their initial reluctance, the band did admit to having “some respect” for a few of the more established acts on the list, like Bowling for Soup, Pennywise, and Miss May I. However, it seems the allure of seeing ‘em all on one stage didn’t outweigh their desire to not be mistaken for the punchline of an indie band festival.
“You got a New Year’s Day and no Monday morning? Okay. You got Vended, which we thought was the name of a vending machine, and The Dark, but we’re pretty sure we’ve heard that one before in every goth band’s name ever. And, to be honest, I thought Avril Lavigne was just a hologram at this point,” said guitarist Zoltan Bathory, looking visibly perplexed.
Sources close to the band reveal that Five Finger Death Punch was also worried the fans might not appreciate the sudden juxtaposition of their metal fury against a backdrop of “punny band names” and “pop-punk nostalgia.”
The Vans Warped Tour, historically a melting pot of every genre under the sun, has certainly evolved since its heyday in the late 90s and early 2000s. But even if FFDP is ready to wave goodbye to it, one thing is clear: The next time you think of rock icons crossing paths with Pennywise and Girlfriends, you might want to double-check the invite.
As for the rest of the lineup, FFDP had one final parting note for their fans: “Hey, we’ll catch you at a real tour. Like, maybe one that doesn’t feature People R Ugly as a headliner. But no hard feelings… we’ll be headbanging somewhere else.”
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