“The Poisoned Ascendancy” Tour Becomes “The Tuckered Out Farewell” Tour
What was once a promising nostalgic celebration of eyeliner, breakdowns, and late-2000s metalcore glory has ended in tears, TikToks, and a very bruised ego. Bullet for My Valentine have dramatically exited the remainder of their co-headlining tour with Trivium, allegedly because frontman Matt Tuck just couldn’t handle the harsh reality: nobody was waiting at the merch booth for his autograph.
Reports from behind the scenes suggest things began spiraling when fans — especially the eyeliner-and-black-nail-polish crowd — started bypassing Tuck entirely to form chaotic, shrieking lines for Matt Heafy. One eyewitness recalls, “Tuck came out to say hi and someone handed him their phone… to take a picture of them with Heafy. That was it. His soul left his body.”
Trivium bassist Paolo Gregoletto has since confirmed in a livestream, “We were all set for South America and Australia, but Matt Tuck said ‘I can’t do this anymore.’ I guess watching Heafy sign bras and Funko Pops while he was offered someone’s leftover vape finally broke him.”
In a subtle but not-subtle TikTok, Gregoletto posted a video captioned “When your first livestream ruins a grown man’s mascara,” followed by the hashtag #JusticeForSouthAmerica and a slow zoom-in on his unbothered thumbs-up face.
The tour flyer has now been altered to read “Poisoned Ascendancy Farewell Tour,” which fans agree is still less dramatic than what Tuck reportedly wanted it renamed to: “The Matt-is-Tired-and-No-One-Loves-Me World Tour.”
Trivium, meanwhile, promise they’ll keep touring — with “bands that actually enjoy free therapy via TikTok comments” — and have teased that their next run will include “more time for solos, surprise covers, and maybe even a shrine to the other Matt.”
At press time, Matt Tuck was spotted googling “how to be more like Heafy” and “can you get TikTok famous at 40?”
