San Francisco’s speed metal torchbearers HELL FIRE have announced their most ironic project yet—an extreme metal version of “California Dreaming” dedicated to none other than Paris Hilton. Why, you ask? It turns out that Hilton’s Malibu mansion recently went up in flames amid the ongoing chaos of the LA wildfires.
“We felt a deep connection to Paris,” said the band’s frontman in a press statement. “She’s the unsung queen of heavy metal. No one knows this, but she’s been headbanging in private for years.” When pressed for evidence, the band coyly admitted, “It’s just a vibe we get.”
The new version of the iconic song will be a whirlwind of blistering guitar solos, guttural screams, and a drum section so fast it could double as fire suppression. “We’re taking ‘California Dreaming’ to places it’s never been before,” said their drummer, ominously adding, “Paris deserves nothing less than the full inferno treatment.”
HELL FIRE also pledged that all proceeds from the single will go to Hilton herself. “She’s lost so much—her home, her heirloom chihuahua sculptures, her haute couture iron maiden collection. She needs us now more than ever,” the band proclaimed.
As a cherry on top of this molten sundae, HELL FIRE has extended a lifetime VIP pass to Paris for all future events they “hoist” (their words). “She’s welcome to throw horns with us anytime,” they declared. Whether she’ll show up in a studded leather gown or a sequined battle vest remains to be seen.
For now, all eyes are on HELL FIRE as they prepare to crank out the most over-the-top ode to the Golden State since the last wildfire season. Will Paris Hilton finally come out of the heavy metal closet? Will “California Dreaming” become the next anthem of destruction? Only time—and decibels—will tell.
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