Rome, Vatican City — In a stunning twist that has left Catholic officials bewildered and several bishops coughing, North Carolina sludge metal trio WEEDEATER has come forward claiming responsibility for the mysterious white smoke seen rising from the Sistine Chapel earlier today—smoke which traditionally signals the election of a new pope.
“We were just jammin’ in the van behind St. Peter’s,” slurred frontman Dixie Dave, holding a bong shaped like a crucifix. “I don’t know nothin’ about cardinals or conclaves, man. We were just laying down some riffs for the new record. Next thing you know, our smoke goes up, and now everybody’s yelling ‘Habemus Papam’.”
Vatican spokespersons initially celebrated the symbolic plume, believing it to mark the successful election of a new pontiff. However, moments later, the balcony remained empty, and the air began to smell “suspiciously like a burned hemp field,” according to several Swiss Guards who reportedly developed sudden cravings for communion wafers.
“We thought it was holy inspiration,” said Cardinal Angelo Tosetti, fanning the haze away with his biretta. “Turns out it was a 14-minute doom jam about a goat named Pontius.”
WEEDEATER’s unintentional spiritual interference has forced the Vatican to postpone the official papal reveal. The cardinals have now been relocated to a more ventilated area, and new security measures have been put in place, including a strict no-stoner-sludge-within-100-meters rule.
When asked if they planned to apologize, Dixie Dave replied, “Apologize? Hell no. We’re naming our next album Habemus Bongam.”
