New film to document heroic act of musical restraint
In a surprising twist of self-awareness, Metallica have announced a new film titled Metallica Saved My Life, directed by Jonas Åkerlund, best known for his work on Lords of Chaos, Horsemen, and making black metal look like a perfume ad.
While the film promises to highlight the emotional connection fans have with the band, insiders confirm that the true life-saving moment came when Metallica decided not to release another studio album in 2024.
“I just want people to know we care,” said Lars Ulrich, holding back tears and possibly a new NFT idea. “Every time we started writing new music, we could feel the planet collectively sighing. We listened. We stopped.”
James Hetfield added: “We realized that not releasing music might actually be our greatest gift to humanity. Especially after St. Anger. I mean, some fans are still in therapy.”
The film also features testimonials from fans who bravely admit that not hearing another eight-minute power ballad saved them from emotional breakdowns, midlife crises, and in one case, a spontaneous subscription to Nickelback’s OnlyFans.
The soundtrack, ironically, will include all of Metallica’s past albums, except Lulu, which will be classified under “experimental horror” in the bonus disc.
Åkerlund promises a film that “captures the resilience of the human spirit,” and also “explains how Load was actually a misunderstood Renaissance painting set to riffs.”
Early critics are calling Metallica Saved My Life “braver than Some Kind of Monster, with fewer group hugs and way more denim.”
