In an unexpected turn of events that left both rock fans and retirement communities baffled, Guns N’ Roses have officially reworked their legendary hit “Welcome To The Jungle” into a laid-back, senior-friendly anthem. Titled “Welcome To The Garden,” the band has embraced their golden years and decided to cater to the AARP crowd, swapping out their notorious edge for a more… herbal vibe.
Axel Rose, now sporting a stylish pair of orthopedic shoes, serenaded the crowd at their latest show with reimagined lyrics, crooning:
“Welcome to the garden,
We’ve got plants and tools,
If you trim too much off,
Please, respect the rules!
I, I, I… I see you taking all the prunes,
Time to watch Wheel of Fortune soon!”
The change comes after band members admitted that the fast-paced, hard-living rockstar life no longer aligned with their current lifestyle, which now revolves around community gardening, knitting circles, and morning laps at the local senior center pool. Slash, sipping chamomile tea, confessed that shredding guitar solos after 7 p.m. “interferes with my TV shows and bedtime.”
To mark the occasion, Guns N’ Roses will be releasing a special edition vinyl of “Appetite for Relaxation,” featuring hits like “Patience (Is a Virtue at Bingo),” and “Sweet Elder of Mine.” The cover art, of course, depicts the band lounging in Adirondack chairs, while nursing sore backs.
Fans, especially those entering their 40s and 50s, couldn’t be more thrilled. One audience member, wearing a leather jacket over her floral print dress, commented, “It’s about time they embraced their true calling. That hard rock stuff was way too loud anyway.”
The band’s next step? A tour called “Geriatrics N’ Roses,” with free prune juice at every show and an intermission for stretching exercises.
Rock ‘n’ roll has never felt so… peaceful.