Meet Jeff, a 34-year-old personal trainer with biceps bigger than your head, and a love for thrash metal so deep it might be considered a cardio workout on its own. After years of crafting perfect kettlebell routines and protein shakes, Jeff has decided to share his Top 5 SLAYER albums for getting absolutely shredded, because let’s face it—what’s more motivational than Satanic riffs and double bass drum annihilation?
1. Reign in Blood
Workout vibe: “Death by Squats”
- Jeff’s take: “This album is a HIIT workout disguised as music. Clocking in at under 30 minutes, it’s perfect for those ‘I only have half an hour before my protein shakes kick in’ sessions. By the time you hit Angel of Death, your quads will be screaming louder than Tom Araya’s iconic scream. Plus, it helps get the blood flowing… literally.”
2. Seasons in the Abyss
Workout vibe: “Stretching Your Endurance (and Your Hamstrings)”
- Jeff’s take: “This one’s all about balance. SLAYER’s slowed it down just enough to give you time to breathe between sets—because let’s be real, no one can sustain pure thrash for a full hour without passing out. It’s great for leg day, where you’ll need the time to mentally recover between deadlifts and contemplate whether you’ve made a deal with a demon after hearing Dead Skin Mask.”
3. South of Heaven
Workout vibe: “Slow Burn for Max Gains”
- Jeff’s take: “This album is like doing slow, controlled reps of chest presses. South of Heaven is where SLAYER proves they can take it down a notch, but still manage to terrify your neighbors. Perfect for those lifting sessions where you want to savor the burn—feel every agonizing second as the slow riffs make sure your gains are slow, painful, and eternal.”
4. Hell Awaits
Workout vibe: “Cardio from Hell”
- Jeff’s take: “If you can survive the first track of Hell Awaits while on the treadmill, you can survive anything. It’s the musical equivalent of sprint intervals at 10 mph for 7 minutes straight. The riffs hit so fast you’ll be checking if your heart rate monitor is broken or if SLAYER just made you temporarily transcend your physical form.”
5. God Hates Us All
Workout vibe: “Anger-Management Circuit Training”
- Jeff’s take: “Look, sometimes you just need an album to channel pure rage. God Hates Us All is basically a musical pre-workout. Angry at life? Mad at your boss? Did someone steal your protein bar? Pop this album in, and you’ll be throwing kettlebells across the gym like you’re auditioning for a Slayer-themed CrossFit competition. It’s the soundtrack to flipping tires while imagining they’re the skulls of your enemies.”
**Honorable Mention: Live Undead
Workout vibe: “For Those Cheat Days”
- Jeff’s take: “Okay, this one’s more for the vibe. It’s like that one day when you go light on the weights and just kind of vibe to the atmosphere. Plus, live albums make you feel like you’re working out in a packed gym of metalheads, which is basically paradise.”
Jeff’s Final Thought:
“If you’re not sweating as much as Kerry King after a solo, you’re not lifting hard enough.”