In case you thought the CRADLE OF FILTH drama couldn’t possibly get more entertaining — it just did. Not 24 hours after guitarist Marek “Ashok” Šmerda announced he’d be leaving the band at the end of the Latin American tour, Dani Filth pulled the trigger and fired him on the […]
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Netflix Greenlights New Series on Early Norwegian Black Metal
Netflix has officially announced its latest “edgy” original series: “Norwegian Darkness: The Series”, a bold retelling of the rise of the early Norwegian black metal scene — with that unmistakable Netflix touch. In other words, it’s not so much history as it is “what if MTV’s Teen Wolf met Lords […]
SYSTEM OF A DOWN Now Charging $500 Per Question About A New Album
Tired of being asked the same question for nearly two decades, System of a Down have reportedly implemented a new policy: $500 for every journalist who dares to ask about a new album. According to the band’s press release, the “Question Tax” will apply to interviews, podcasts, casual encounters at […]
New Study Confirms GOJIRA Fans Are Healthier And More Athletic Than Everyone Else Their Age
PARIS, FRANCE — A groundbreaking scientific study has revealed that fans of French metal titans GOJIRA are inexplicably fitter, faster, and stronger than the average person their age, baffling doctors and delighting gym owners everywhere. “Normally when you think of metal fans, you think of empty Monster cans and sore […]
DISNEY Announces Halloween Horror: Unmasked KISS In Hawaiian Shirts, No Autotune Included
Move over haunted houses and ghost rides—this year, Disney is offering a Halloween attraction so terrifying that even Freddy Krueger asked for a refund. On October 31st, KISS will take the stage at Disney’s Magic Kingdom completely unmasked, dressed in Hawaiian shirts, and singing live for an hour and a […]
Anthrax Fans File Petition: “Can You Guys Retire Too, Please?”
August 17, 2025 — Inspired by MEGADETH’s announcement of their final album and farewell tour, a group of exhausted ANTHRAX fans have reportedly launched an online petition begging the band to follow suit. The petition, titled “Anthrax Retirement: For the Greater Good of the Scene”, has already gathered over 30,000 […]
Dave Mustaine Announces Retirement Plans: From Criticizing Metallica to Competitive Cheese Rolling
The world of heavy metal shook today as MEGADETH frontman Dave Mustaine confirmed that the band’s next studio album will be their last, followed by a massive farewell tour in 2026. But while fans are busy preparing to cry-sing along to “Holy Wars” one final time, Mustaine is already plotting […]
Live Nation Now Charging “Existence Fee” to Fans Who Merely Think About Concerts
📍 LOS ANGELES — In a bold leap forward in monetizing human consciousness, Live Nation has rolled out a new policy this week: charging fans $9.99 every time they merely think about going to a concert. “Whether you’re daydreaming about Pitbull at the amphitheater or having a half-conscious thought about […]
WATAIN Unveils New Perfume — Fans Immediately Hospitalized
It was only a matter of time. After years of bathing audiences in the fragrant mist of defibrinated pig’s blood and vintage goat essence, Swedish black metal purveyors WATAIN have finally entered the fragrance industry — and the results are as evil as they smell. The band announced their new […]
Katatonia Frontman Bans Proposals at Shows: “No Joy Allowed. Try a Divorce Instead”
In a bold yet unsurprising statement, Katatonia frontman Jonas Renkse has officially forbidden fans from proposing to their girlfriends during the band’s live performances. His reasoning? “I hate seeing people smile when we play,” he said with the emotional warmth of a Scandinavian winter. The gothic-doom legends, known for songs […]