MONTREAL, QC – Last night, doom metal aficionados gathered at Les Foufounes Électriques to witness Swallow The Sun’s North American tour, but local residents had a slightly different interpretation of events. Hearing a mix of wailing men, slow dirges, and an overall atmosphere of crushing despair, concerned Montrealers assumed they […]
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Live Nation Reports Record Profits, Introduces New Fees Because “Screw It, You’ll Pay Anyway”
Live Nation just had its biggest year ever, raking in a mind-melting $23.16 billion in revenue thanks to 151 million fans who willingly emptied their wallets for overpriced tickets, fees, and $12 water bottles. But rather than celebrate, the ticketing behemoth has announced plans to introduce a new lineup of […]
DISTURBED Releases “I Will Not Break” – A Song Inspired by David Draiman’s Annual Prostate Exam
In a shocking twist of artistic inspiration, DISTURBED has unveiled their latest single, I Will Not Break, a deeply personal anthem born from an annual event that frontman David Draiman would rather forget: his prostate exam. Following the success of Divisive, which featured the divorce-inspired ballad Don’t Tell Me, Draiman […]
SIX FEET UNDER’s Chris Barnes Finally Allowed Back Into Venues After 12-Year Ban for Looking Too Homeless
After more than a decade away from U.S. stages, SIX FEET UNDER frontman Chris Barnes has finally returned to the road. But according to Barnes, the reason for the long absence wasn’t high tour costs or lack of a booking agent—it was because club security repeatedly mistook him for a […]
CREED’s ‘Summer of ’99’ Festival Is Coming — And Scott Stapp Finally Reveals Why He Can’t Let Go of That Year
Following a massive resurgence in popularity (because apparently, nostalgia knows no bounds), CREED is kicking off 2025 by bringing back their “Summer of ’99 And Beyond Festival”—a two-day rock extravaganza celebrating anthems from an era when frosted tips, wallet chains, and deep-V shirts were all the rage. But this year, […]
Dave Mustaine Renames Megadeth to “MAGAdeth” in Hopes of Scoring Trump’s Private Party Gig
Nashville, TN – In a move that has left both metalheads and political pundits scratching their heads, Dave Mustaine has officially renamed Megadeth to MAGAdeth, allegedly in an attempt to secure a spot at Donald Trump’s next private event. “I just figured, why not? The fans already think I’m halfway […]
Valentine’s Day Disaster: Local Girl Unleashes Hell After Boyfriend Gifts Tickets to The Callous Daoboys
PHOENIX, AZ – In what may go down in history as the most heartbreaking Valentine’s Day gesture ever witnessed by humankind, local woman Emma Halloway (27) has officially severed ties with her boyfriend, Trevor “Not-So-Romantic” Harris (29), after he gifted her tickets to see The Callous Daoboys on their upcoming […]
Vans Warped Tour refused by FIVE FINGER DEATH PUNCH: “These Are Real Bands?!”
In a shocking turn of events, Five Finger Death Punch has reportedly turned down an invitation to perform at this year’s Vans Warped Tour, citing “confusion” over the event’s lineup. The iconic heavy metal band, known for their no-nonsense, stadium-shaking anthems, was extended an invitation to join the historic tour, […]
Kerry King Demands Payment in Eggs for Remaining Tour Dates: “We Want to Feel Like Millionaires”
As Kerry King’s 2025 North American tour rages on, a shocking mid-tour demand has surfaced: no more cash payments—only eggs. Yes, you heard it right. In response to the ever-rising price of eggs, the legendary Slayer guitarist has reportedly instructed promoters to pay the band in crates of eggs for […]
Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame 2025 Nominees Include Bad Company, Soundgarden… And Kendrick Lamar’s Jeans
In a surprising yet somehow inevitable twist, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame has announced its 2025 nominees, including rock legends BAD COMPANY, THE BLACK CROWES, SOUNDGARDEN, and—wait for it—KENDRICK LAMAR’S JEANS. Yes, you read that right. The very same pair of denim that set the internet ablaze during […]