LOS ANGELES, CA — In a stunning last-minute update nobody saw coming but everybody secretly wanted, the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame has announced that Slaughter To Prevail will replace Bad Company among the 2025 inductees. The official explanation? “Those guys are old and no one cares anymore. Also, […]
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Riot Fest Turns 20, Officially Becomes A “Quiet Riot” For The 40+ Crowd: Sofas Instead Of Moshpits
CHICAGO, IL — Riot Fest, the once-reckless punk gathering that encouraged stage-diving and questionable life choices, has officially embraced its AARP era. As the festival turns 20 this year, organizers have announced that Riot Fest 2025 will be a 40+ exclusive event, “because these kids today just don’t get it,” […]
PANTERA “Cowboys From Hell”. “My Ears Are Bleedin’ and My Soul’s Confused: A Rodeo Man Review
By Buck Rawlins – Rodeo Retiree, Fence Repair Enthusiast, Accidental Headbanger “Well, Here’s Somethin’ That Ain’t Got No Horse In It…” Name’s Buck Rawlins. I’m 55 years young, born and bred in the sun-scorched dust of Amarillo, Texas. Rode my first bull at 12, broke my first rib at 13, […]
BREAKING: GHOST’s Papa V Perpetua Accidentally Elected Pope After Vatican Clerical Mix-Up
“We said we needed a ‘new spirit in the church,’ not a guy who travels with ghouls and sings about Satan.” VATICAN CITY – In what’s being described as the most spiritually confusing clerical error in Catholic history, Ghost frontman Papa V Perpetua has reportedly been elected as the new […]
BEHEMOTH “Satanica”: A Hellish Easter Album Review by Pastor Earl Ray McGillicutty
First Calvary Snake-Handling Baptist Church of Buckshot County, AZ Well hallelujah and happy Resurrection Sunday, y’all. Now I know what you’re thinkin’: “Pastor Earl Ray, shouldn’t you be out back countin’ them plastic eggs filled with questionable chocolate and preachin’ about the empty tomb?” And normally yes, I’d be elbow-deep […]
BREAKING: Welcome To Rockville 2025 Kicks LINKIN PARK Off Headliner Slot, Replaces Them With GUTALAX: “People Want Real Shit”
Daytona Beach, FL – In a bold, shocking, and slightly brown move, the organizers of Welcome To Rockville 2025 have announced that Linkin Park will no longer headline the festival. The slot has instead been handed to none other than Czech grindcore poop-lords GUTALAX. The decision reportedly came after “disappointing […]
GHOST’s Tobias Forge Admits BLACK SABBATH Ended His Career As A Church Easter Bunny
In a shocking confession that has shaken both the metal world and Sunday School programs across Sweden, GHOST frontman Tobias Forge revealed in an emotional overshare on The April 1st Satan’s Tears Podcast that before discovering Black Sabbath, he was “just a humble Easter Bunny working part-time at a Lutheran […]
DARK ANGEL Blame “Studio Weed Fog” For Comeback Song Sound: “Gene Was So Stoned, We Replaced Him With a Computer”
In a shocking twist absolutely nobody saw coming (except maybe that one guy still wearing his Darkness Descends shirt from ’86), thrash veterans DARK ANGEL have revealed the secret behind the uniquely underwhelming sound of their new comeback track, Extinction Level Event: studio weed fog. “We didn’t mean for it […]
DERRICK GREEN Launches Country-Folk Tribute Band “OLD GUYS ON THE BLOCK” feat. Barney Greenway and Robb Flynn
“We just wanna harmonize and wear denim vests,” says Robb Flynn Following SEPULTURA’s final bow, vocalist Derrick Green has stunned the metal world by announcing his latest sonic reinvention: a New Kids on the Block country-folk tribute band called OLD GUYS ON THE BLOCK. The lineup features: Derrick Green crooning […]
European Festivals Caught Smuggling Metal Bands Into U.S. Disguised As American Cover Acts
In the wake of the U.S. government’s new “Make Metal American Again” tariffs, desperate European promoters have begun smuggling bands into the States under the guise of tribute acts — triggering what Customs officials are calling “Operation Corpsepaint.” This week, U.S. Border Patrol agents detained a van at the Vermont […]