The inaugural Tool Live In The Sand festival in Punta Cana, Dominican Republic, was meant to be a dream vacation for die-hard TOOL fans—sun, surf, and two nights of the band’s transcendent, ever-evolving live performances. Instead, attendees were treated to the same four songs—”Fear Inoculum,” “Rosetta Stoned,” “Pneuma,” and “Jambi”—without […]
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Miss Mayhem Festival 2025: No Men Allowed, Free Tampons for All!
In a groundbreaking move to finally rid the metal scene of pesky male energy, Mayhem Festival is returning in 2025 as Miss Mayhem—a fully female-fronted lineup that’s doubling down on the rebrand by banning all men from attending. That’s right, dudes, pack it up. You had your time at Mayhem […]
Brent Hinds Leaves Mastodon After 25 Years of Beer and Weed Theft, Launches New Solo Project “Oblivion Bong”
After a quarter-century of face-melting riffs, psychedelic journeys, and allegedly missing six-packs, Brent Hinds has officially parted ways with Mastodon. While the band released a heartfelt statement about “mutually deciding to part ways,” Hinds has now set the record straight: it was not mutual at all. In an exclusive (and […]
Mötley Crüe Postpones Vegas Residency as Vince Neil Announces Gender Transition: “You All Said I Look Womanly Anyway!”
LAS VEGAS (KLAS) — Mötley Crüe fans expecting to see the band tear up the stage in Las Vegas this spring will have to wait a little longer, as frontman Vince Neil has announced an unexpected twist: he’s postponing the residency to undergo additional medical procedures—this time, to fully embrace […]
Ohio Hardcore Band “MAKE SOME NOISE” Sues Every Band on Earth for Using Their Name During Shows
CINCINNATI, OH — In a groundbreaking legal move that threatens to reshape the live music industry, Ohio-based hardcore band MAKE SOME NOISE has filed lawsuits against virtually every band in existence for unauthorized use of their name while addressing audiences. “We started noticing this blatant copyright infringement at every concert […]
SLAYER Announces More “Farewell” Shows Because Retirement Is For The Poor
Just when you thought Slayer had called it quits, here they are again, proving that “farewell tour” is just industry slang for “we’re not done milking this cash cow.” After their triumphant “final” shows at Aftershock and Riot Fest in 2024, the legendary thrashers are back, adding a not-so-final Canadian […]
PANTERA Announces Summer 2025 U.S. Tour with AMON AMARTH, Phil Anselmo To Dedicate “Fucking Hostile” To Elon Musk
Brace yourselves, America—PANTERA is hitting the road again in summer 2025 for what’s being hyped as “The Heaviest Tour Of The Summer.” Alongside Amon Amarth, who will supply the Viking horns and battle axes, and an as-yet-unannounced opener (we’re praying it’s not another dad rock band), the legendary groove metal […]
SWALLOW THE SUN, HARAKIRI FOR THE SKY, GHOST BATH Tour Mistaken for Massive Funeral in Canada
MONTREAL, QC – Last night, doom metal aficionados gathered at Les Foufounes Électriques to witness Swallow The Sun’s North American tour, but local residents had a slightly different interpretation of events. Hearing a mix of wailing men, slow dirges, and an overall atmosphere of crushing despair, concerned Montrealers assumed they […]
Live Nation Reports Record Profits, Introduces New Fees Because “Screw It, You’ll Pay Anyway”
Live Nation just had its biggest year ever, raking in a mind-melting $23.16 billion in revenue thanks to 151 million fans who willingly emptied their wallets for overpriced tickets, fees, and $12 water bottles. But rather than celebrate, the ticketing behemoth has announced plans to introduce a new lineup of […]
DISTURBED Releases “I Will Not Break” – A Song Inspired by David Draiman’s Annual Prostate Exam
In a shocking twist of artistic inspiration, DISTURBED has unveiled their latest single, I Will Not Break, a deeply personal anthem born from an annual event that frontman David Draiman would rather forget: his prostate exam. Following the success of Divisive, which featured the divorce-inspired ballad Don’t Tell Me, Draiman […]