Experimental rock legends Primus have taken their quirky sense of humor to new heights by hiring Spencer Prewett, former drummer for Canadian tech-death outfit Archspire, as their new rhythm wizard. The announcement came with one shocking twist: the band’s signature offbeat grooves are getting a warp-speed makeover. Les Claypool issued […]
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Perry Farrell Challenges Mike Tyson to a Fight, Promises to Serenade Him Post-Victory
In a move that can only be described as “peak rock star delusion,” Jane’s Addiction frontman Perry Farrell has publicly declared his desire to step into the ring with none other than Mike Tyson. Yes, that Mike Tyson. Inspired by Jake Paul’s recent victory over the 58-year-old boxing legend, Farrell […]
Elon Musk Appointed to Lead the Newly Formed National Department of Death and Black Metal
In an unexpected twist, sources have confirmed that Elon Musk has finally secured a powerful role in President-elect Donald Trump’s administration as the first-ever head of the National Department of Death and Black Metal. The announcement came just hours after a raucous dinner at Mar-a-Lago, where Musk and Trump reportedly […]
MORBID ANGEL Bows Out of ‘Devastation On The Nation’ Tour as Trey Azagthoth Chooses Sobriety — and Salvation?
Metal fans braced for impact today as news broke that MORBID ANGEL won’t be joining the much-anticipated Devastation On The Nation tour. Word on the street is that guitarist Trey Azagthoth has quit drinking, joined AA, and is… well, rediscovering sobriety and the sacred. After a few weeks in, Trey […]
Photo: AS I LAY DYING 2025 official line-up
We saw this coming! #As I Lay Dying, #As I Quit Dying, #fake news, #Tim Lambesis is hot
ARCH ENEMY Announces AI-Powered Album “Blood Dynasty”: “The Bots Get Us” Says Amott
In a groundbreaking confession during a recent interview, ARCH ENEMY’s Michael Amott finally confirmed the whispers: every note, riff, and lyric on the upcoming Blood Dynasty album was, in fact, crafted by an Artificial Intelligence. “Honestly, we figured the sound has been ‘dialed in’ for a while now,” admitted Amott, […]
David Lee Roth Launches “Slowly We Roth” OBITUARY Tribute Tour, Citing “Lack of Decibels” in His Life
In an announcement that left both hardcore metalheads and classic rock fans in a head-scratching stupor, former VAN HALEN frontman David Lee Roth has declared he’s hitting the road with a tribute tour dedicated to none other than death metal pioneers OBITUARY. Roth’s new project, ominously titled “Slowly We Roth,” […]
Tim Lambesis Has Just Quit AS I LAY DYING ‘Cause Everyone Else Did
In an unexpected twist that no one saw coming (except, well, everyone), Tim Lambesis has officially quit AS I LAY DYING, citing “extreme loneliness” after all other members and crew bailed ahead of the band’s European tour. After turning the tour bus into his personal protein den, Lambesis reportedly found […]
AS I LAY DYING Cancels Tour As Pretty Much Everyone Leaves The Band
Well, folks, it’s official: AS I LAY DYING’s highly anticipated European tour is off the table, and the reason is a little more muscle-bound than you’d expect. Following bassist Ryan Neff’s dramatic exit, citing “personal and professional reasons” (which we all know is code for “Lambesis’ sweat puddles are life-threatening”), […]
The SLAYER Fitness Playlist: Pump, Thrash, Repeat
Meet Jeff, a 34-year-old personal trainer with biceps bigger than your head, and a love for thrash metal so deep it might be considered a cardio workout on its own. After years of crafting perfect kettlebell routines and protein shakes, Jeff has decided to share his Top 5 SLAYER albums […]