Las Vegas, NV — The much-anticipated Sick New World 2025 festival has officially been canceled, and while official statements cite “financial challenges,” insiders reveal the real reason behind the debacle: Metallica and Linkin Park’s insane rider demands. Forget financial strain; this festival was torpedoed by two headliners living in a parallel dimension of luxury and absurdity.
A Demands List from the Depths of Madness
Sources close to the festival have leaked parts of Metallica’s and Linkin Park’s contractual riders, and honestly, it’s no wonder Live Nation threw in the towel.
Metallica’s Requests:
- A “worm-butt charcuterie board” — featuring fried posterior segments of albino earthworms, paired with truffle butter and saffron aioli.
- James Hetfield’s “Therapy Tent” — staffed with 12 certified equine therapists, each paired with a miniature horse wearing a Metallica-themed bridle.
- Kirk Hammett’s Surf Shack — a functional beach installed backstage with real ocean waves imported from Maui.
Linkin Park’s Asks:
- Mike Shinoda’s Alien Soiree — a post-show party with real extraterrestrials, preferably from Area 51. If aliens couldn’t be procured, Live Nation was required to construct convincing animatronics.
- Chester Bennington’s Hologram Revival — not just to sing, but to “move around, interact with fans, and occasionally moonwalk.”
- Vegan Goblin Blood Soup — no one’s sure what this even means, but chefs were reportedly scrambling to figure it out.
The Fallout
When C3 Presents tried to push back on the demands, Linkin Park allegedly threatened to re-record Hybrid Theory using only kazoos, while Metallica ominously hinted they’d release a 16-hour instrumental album played entirely on tambourines.
Fans Priced Out, and Bands Furious
Tickets starting at $472 suddenly make sense when you realize festival organizers were working overtime to meet these absurd conditions. Yet even with those sky-high prices, only 20,000 fans shelled out the cash — far below the 60,000 needed to fund this circus.
In a statement, Live Nation feigned regret but insiders claim the organizers were spotted celebrating at a local dive bar after the announcement. “It’s over! No worm butts or alien contracts!” a source quoted one executive as shouting.
What Happens Now?
Ticket holders will receive refunds, bands will get partial payouts, and festival hopefuls will spend the next year mourning the loss of what could have been the most unhinged festival in history. As for Metallica and Linkin Park, both bands have vowed to headline their own events — tentatively named Alien Buttstock and Goblin Theory 2025, respectively.
We’ll be watching. At a safe distance.
#fake news, #headliners suck, #linkin park makes no sense, #money grab
