CHICAGO, IL — Riot Fest, the once-reckless punk gathering that encouraged stage-diving and questionable life choices, has officially embraced its AARP era. As the festival turns 20 this year, organizers have announced that Riot Fest 2025 will be a 40+ exclusive event, “because these kids today just don’t get it,” according to founder Michael Petryshyn, who was recently spotted yelling at a cloud while organizing his cassette collection.
Taking place September 19–21 at Chicago’s Douglass Park, the lineup is stacked with what Petryshyn called “legends who still remember how to burn CDs.” GREEN DAY, BLINK-182, WEEZER, and Jack White will headline the event, each promising to perform no later than 8 PM sharp, so everyone can be in bed by 10.
But the music isn’t the only thing aging like a fine boxed wine. In a bold pivot, Walgreens has signed on as the official sponsor, providing festivalgoers with free manometers, orthopedic inserts, and BOGO vitamins at every gate. Festival medical tents will double as nap pods and will be generously stocked with antacids, fiber supplements, and nostalgic tears.
Gone are the days of wild circle pits and flying elbows. This year, all former mosh pits have been replaced with plush sofas, where fans can respectfully discuss punk’s decline while sipping room-temperature chamomile tea.
“We call it a Quiet Riot,” said a festival rep, gently adjusting his compression socks. “You can still scream the lyrics to ‘Basket Case,’ but we’ll also have an on-site ENT specialist in case your vocal cords give out.”
The lineup includes a who’s-who of punk-rock-turned-power-walk-playlist stars: The Sex Pistols (what’s left of them), BAD RELIGION, THE POGUES, ALKALINE TRIO, Weird Al, and The Beach Boys — yes, those Beach Boys. Also appearing: bands with names only millennials will understand, like COBRA STARSHIP, KNUCKLE PUCK, and THE FRONT BOTTOMS (which sounds like something a podiatrist might diagnose you with).
As for Riot Fest’s future, Petryshyn is cautiously optimistic. “We didn’t plan on making it for twenty years,” he said. “We just hoped we wouldn’t throw out our backs lifting amps that first weekend.”
Tickets are on sale now, and each one comes with a commemorative pill organizer and a Riot Fest branded stress ball.
For more information, or to reserve your orthopedic camping chair, visit riotfest.org.
