Daytona Beach, FL – In a bold, shocking, and slightly brown move, the organizers of Welcome To Rockville 2025 have announced that Linkin Park will no longer headline the festival. The slot has instead been handed to none other than Czech grindcore poop-lords GUTALAX.
The decision reportedly came after “disappointing ticket momentum” surrounding the band that once made teenage eyeliner sales skyrocket. “Yeah, Linkin Park had a good run,” said one insider. “But let’s be real. You can only cry in the shower to ‘Numb’ so many times. We needed something that makes people move. Preferably toward the nearest port-a-potty.”
GUTALAX, known for their brutal toilet-themed stage antics, songs like “Toilet Rat Messiah” and “Rectal Wreckage”, and handing out plungers at shows, graciously accepted the invitation mid-enema.
“We are honor… very big honor,” said GUTALAX frontman Martin Matoušek while wearing a turd costume and spraying Febreze. “We bring groove. We bring brown. We bring slam for people who tired of sad rap rock. Enough sadness. It’s time for… SHITNESS.”
Festival promoters confirmed that sales quadrupled within hours of the lineup change. “Once we put up that GUTALAX logo—brown and proud—everything changed. Metalheads started buying tickets in bulk. One guy ordered 46 VIP passes and asked if he could bring his own porta-john.”
Linkin Park, meanwhile, issued a diplomatic statement: “We understand the festival’s desire to take a different direction. We wish the Rockville community all the best as they embrace this next stage in gastrointestinal entertainment.”
Sources claim that the band was later spotted trying to rebrand as “Lynkin Park”, a Southern-fried version of themselves, in hopes of landing a spot on Stage 7 near the funnel cake tent.
GUTALAX’s headlining set is expected to include:
A toilet paper cannon
A moshpit titled “The Porcelain Hurricane”
And a 9-minute crowd chant of “FLUSH! FLUSH! FLUSH!”
Also rumored: a surprise appearance by GWAR, who apparently want to “duel them for the brown throne.”
Rockville 2025 just got a lot messier—and fans couldn’t be happier.
