“We said we needed a ‘new spirit in the church,’ not a guy who travels with ghouls and sings about Satan.”
VATICAN CITY – In what’s being described as the most spiritually confusing clerical error in Catholic history, Ghost frontman Papa V Perpetua has reportedly been elected as the new Pope following the death of Pope Francis — due to what insiders are calling “a catastrophic case of papal autocorrect.”
The error reportedly occurred when a Vatican aide, in a rush to update the College of Cardinals’ internal database, typed “Papa V” into the succession shortlist — not realizing that the term now belongs to the frontman of a Swedish satanic rock band and not, as assumed, a forgotten 14th-century pontiff.
According to reports, the Vatican conclave — already confused by ghostly fog machines and inexplicable incense smells — simply went with it.
“We just thought he was really committed to the theatrical side of Catholicism.”
“He entered the Sistine Chapel in full regalia, surrounded by Nameless Ghouls, chanting in Latin,” said Cardinal Alfredo Pancetta. “Honestly, we thought it was a surprise tribute to the early papal traditions. By the time he dropped the bassline and the pyrotechnics hit, the white smoke was already rising. We assumed it was Holy Spirit. Turns out it was dry ice.”
Sources claim the announcement was made during a packed concert in Milan, where Papa V Perpetua paused between songs and was handed a scroll by a breathless bishop. Thinking it was an elaborate Ghost PR stunt, the crowd began chanting “Pope! Pope! Pope!” while Perpetua proceeded to crowd surf in full mitre and robes.
First Official Act: Tour Bus Converted into Popemobile
As the reality of his new role set in, Papa V addressed the Vatican via livestream from the Skeletour stage in Prague:
“I accept this sacred duty with unholy pride. From this day forth, all Sunday mass shall be held in minor key. Communion wafers will now come with a merch discount code, and confessionals will double as VIP meet-and-greets.”
He has reportedly appointed the Nameless Ghouls to cardinal positions and renamed St. Peter’s Basilica to “The Cathedral of Eternal Bangers.”
Backlash and Confusion
Religious traditionalists have expressed concern, especially after Vatican City’s bells played “Year Zero” to commemorate the election. Meanwhile, the Ghost fanbase is euphoric. Pilgrimages have begun toward Stockholm, now temporarily rebranded as “New Rome.”
A Vatican spokesperson admitted the error but seemed unsure how to reverse it. “He already signed the papal documents and autographed the Book of Revelation,” they said. “Legally speaking, he is the Pope. And honestly… he brings in better crowds.”
No word yet on whether his twin brother, Frater Imperator, plans to contest the papacy — or if Black Sabbath will be granted sainthood for services to global darkness.
#fake news, #Ghost, #Ghost of Thy Easter, #long live the papa
