In a heartfelt tribute to legendary bands that can’t seem to hold onto their drummers for more than three days at a time, Falling in Reverse has announced a bold new initiative: firing their drummer once a day for the foreseeable future. The band’s frontman Ronnie Radke made the announcement […]
Funny news
Kanye West is Working On A New Collab Album With Varg Vikernes Called “Black Brothers”
Just days after his Seoul concert was shockingly canceled due to “recent controversies” (translation: Kanye being Kanye), the rapper-turned-walking PR disaster has found a new creative outlet: teaming up with Norwegian church burner and black metal philosopher Varg Vikernes for what they’re calling the most misunderstood collab in history—a bold […]
SLEEP TOKEN Now So Big That President Trump Threatens Import Tariff on Their U.S. Tour
After Even In Arcadia exploded onto the Billboard 200 at No. 1 and broke records as the most-streamed hard rock album in history, President Donald J. Trump has announced a bold new initiative: an import tariff on Sleep Token’s entire U.S. tour. “We have to protect American rock,” Trump stated […]
Gene Simmons Reviews CANNIBAL CORPSE “Tomb of the Mutilated,” Sees Business Opportunities in “Entrails Ripped From a Virgin’s Purse”
In a shocking turn of unlikely artistic appreciation, Gene Simmons of KISS has taken time away from trademarking oxygen and bottling his own sweat to review Cannibal Corpse’s 1992 death metal classic Tomb of the Mutilated. While most would shy away from a tracklist that sounds like a crime scene […]
Wolves Spare Man In Forest After He Blasts METALLICA’s 72 Seasons: “We Can Tolerate Screaming, But Not That”
DULUTH, MINNESOTA — In a rare show of mercy from nature, a man filming promo shots for his upcoming black metal project Ravensküll Frostgeist narrowly escaped a pack of wolves in the northern Minnesota woods late Tuesday night — not with fire, not with steel, but by blasting Metallica’s 2023 […]
Matt Tuck Abandons TRIVIUM and BULLET FOR MY VALENTINE Tour After Realizing All the Girls Want Matt Heafy’s Autograph Instead
“The Poisoned Ascendancy” Tour Becomes “The Tuckered Out Farewell” Tour What was once a promising nostalgic celebration of eyeliner, breakdowns, and late-2000s metalcore glory has ended in tears, TikToks, and a very bruised ego. Bullet for My Valentine have dramatically exited the remainder of their co-headlining tour with Trivium, allegedly […]
Grandma From Iowa Reviews Slipknot’s Iowa: “They Sound Very Upset About Something, Probably the Weather”
Des Moines, IA — An 84-year-old grandmother from Iowa has gone viral this week after penning an unintentionally brutal yet heartfelt review of her grandson’s favorite album — Slipknot’s Iowa. Mildred “Millie” Hawthorne, who says she enjoys “a nice John Denver tune or anything where the singer isn’t actively screaming […]
DISTURBED Announce Next Album: Ten Thousand Love Songs After On-Stage Proposal Melts Faces (With Emotion, Not Riffs)
SACRAMENTO, CA — In a move that has officially confused the hell out of every nu-metal fan who came for breakdowns and emotional rage, DISTURBED frontman David Draiman pulled a fast one during the band’s May 9 concert in Sacramento—not by playing a deep cut, but by proposing to his […]
Welcome To Rockville 2025 Announces A Preparty Deathmatch Experience
Daytona Beach, FL – Florida’s loudest heatstroke-inducing mega-fest, Welcome To Rockville 2025, has dropped its full set times along with bold new plans to ensure fans are physically and emotionally broken before the main event even begins. To properly prepare attendees for what organizers call “Florida in May, but with […]
Vatican Confused After WEEDEATER Confesses to Causing Papal Conclave Smoke
Rome, Vatican City — In a stunning twist that has left Catholic officials bewildered and several bishops coughing, North Carolina sludge metal trio WEEDEATER has come forward claiming responsibility for the mysterious white smoke seen rising from the Sistine Chapel earlier today—smoke which traditionally signals the election of a new […]