August 17, 2025 — Inspired by MEGADETH’s announcement of their final album and farewell tour, a group of exhausted ANTHRAX fans have reportedly launched an online petition begging the band to follow suit. The petition, titled “Anthrax Retirement: For the Greater Good of the Scene”, has already gathered over 30,000 […]
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Dave Mustaine Announces Retirement Plans: From Criticizing Metallica to Competitive Cheese Rolling
The world of heavy metal shook today as MEGADETH frontman Dave Mustaine confirmed that the band’s next studio album will be their last, followed by a massive farewell tour in 2026. But while fans are busy preparing to cry-sing along to “Holy Wars” one final time, Mustaine is already plotting […]
Live Nation Now Charging “Existence Fee” to Fans Who Merely Think About Concerts
📍 LOS ANGELES — In a bold leap forward in monetizing human consciousness, Live Nation has rolled out a new policy this week: charging fans $9.99 every time they merely think about going to a concert. “Whether you’re daydreaming about Pitbull at the amphitheater or having a half-conscious thought about […]
WATAIN Unveils New Perfume — Fans Immediately Hospitalized
It was only a matter of time. After years of bathing audiences in the fragrant mist of defibrinated pig’s blood and vintage goat essence, Swedish black metal purveyors WATAIN have finally entered the fragrance industry — and the results are as evil as they smell. The band announced their new […]
Katatonia Frontman Bans Proposals at Shows: “No Joy Allowed. Try a Divorce Instead”
In a bold yet unsurprising statement, Katatonia frontman Jonas Renkse has officially forbidden fans from proposing to their girlfriends during the band’s live performances. His reasoning? “I hate seeing people smile when we play,” he said with the emotional warmth of a Scandinavian winter. The gothic-doom legends, known for songs […]
“I Was Just Trying to Eat a Mozzarella Stick”: Marilyn Manson Superfan Banned From All UK Restaurants
Brighton, UK – July 30, 2025 While Marilyn Manson’s “One Assassination Under God” UK tour continues to cause cancellations and moral panic, one devoted British fan is now facing the ultimate consequence: total food exile. Meet Trevor Slagg, 37, of Milton Keynes — now dubbed by tabloids as “The Starving […]
Sanguisugabogg Targeted by Sexy AI Bots Who “Just Wanna Mosh and Love”
Instagram sex scams take a heartfelt detour into brutal death metal COLUMBUS, OH – The official Sanguisugabogg Instagram page has reportedly been bombarded this week—not by trolls or boomers confused by blast beats, but by thousands of unusually enthusiastic AI sex bots confessing their genuine love for the band’s music […]
DREAM THEATER Members Form Bold New Band That Just So Happens to Sound Exactly Like DREAM THEATER
PORT JEFFERSON, NY — In a stunning display of artistic reinvention, the members of progressive metal titans DREAM THEATER have announced the formation of an exciting new side project: Lucid Slumber, a band that, coincidentally, sounds indistinguishable from DREAM THEATER in every possible way — down to the 14-minute keyboard […]
PARAMORE’s Hayley Williams Drops Surprise Album ‘Ego’ — But First, Buy This Shampoo or Face Eternal Spam Damnation
Move over Beyoncé’s surprise drops and Taylor Swift’s deluxe everything—Hayley Williams just redefined gatekeeping art with conditioner. The Paramore frontwoman has stealth-dropped her new 17-track solo album Ego, and no, you can’t stream it, pirate it, or even whisper its name unless you first buy something from her hair dye […]
“We Just Like Spikes and Screaming”: Russian Black Metal Bands Scramble to Prove They’re Not Part of the Totally-Real Satanist Cabal Just Banned by the Kremlin
In the wake of Russia’s Supreme Court officially banning the International Movement of Satanists — a shadowy, threatening group that absolutely no one can prove exists — panic has erupted in the nation’s thriving black metal underground. “We’ve never heard of this group,” insists Vladislav “CorpseRider” Sokolov, frontman of GoatWarlock666, […]