Grunge-core icons and emotional trauma connoisseurs LIFE OF AGONY have announced their “30 Years of Ugly” tour, a full-album celebration of 1995’s cult classic Ugly—the record that boldly asked, “What if our depression could be even more melodic?” But that’s not all! In an unprecedented move designed to keep things […]
Funny news
Donald Trump Accidentally Reviews BRUJERIA’s “Brujerizmo”, Demands Immediate Deportation of Entire Band
“I don’t know what they’re saying, but it sounds illegal.” In a shocking yet somehow entirely predictable turn of events, Donald Trump found himself spiraling down a musical rabbit hole after accidentally listening to BRUJERIA’s 2000 album Brujerizmo, mistaking it for a new Taco Bell menu item. According to sources […]
METALLICA’s James Hetfield Meets Racehorse Named After Their Hit (Sorry, Lulu)
In a beautiful collision of heavy metal and horse sweat, METALLICA frontman James Hetfield met his new four-legged tribute act on Friday: Sandman—a majestic three-year-old Kentucky Derby contender named after the band’s one indisputably enduring song, “Enter Sandman.” Yes, the gray colt, who probably headbangs in his sleep, was graced […]
HATEBREED’s Jamey Jasta Takes Control Of Summer Slaughter, Immediately Books Himself 6 Times
2025 to be rebranded as “The Summer Jasta Tour: Most Jasta-Filled Tour of the Year” In a bold move no one saw coming — except literally everyone — Hatebreed frontman and motivational podcast wizard Jamey Jasta has officially assumed control of the Summer Slaughter tour. Effective immediately, the tour will […]
Reviews from hell: Kanye West goes metal journalism with METALLICA’s “Ride The Lightning”
“Aight, listen up. Y’all been sleepin’ on me if you thought I was just gonna stay in rap, fashion, politics, architecture, religion, interior design, space exploration, and future government structuring. 2025 is the year Kanye West becomes the greatest metal journalist the world has ever seen. I ain’t here to […]
BAD COMPANY Removed From Rock Hall Lineup, SLAUGHTER TO PREVAIL Takes Over Because “Those Guys Are Old And Alex Fights Bears Better”
LOS ANGELES, CA — In a stunning last-minute update nobody saw coming but everybody secretly wanted, the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame has announced that Slaughter To Prevail will replace Bad Company among the 2025 inductees. The official explanation? “Those guys are old and no one cares anymore. Also, […]
Riot Fest Turns 20, Officially Becomes A “Quiet Riot” For The 40+ Crowd: Sofas Instead Of Moshpits
CHICAGO, IL — Riot Fest, the once-reckless punk gathering that encouraged stage-diving and questionable life choices, has officially embraced its AARP era. As the festival turns 20 this year, organizers have announced that Riot Fest 2025 will be a 40+ exclusive event, “because these kids today just don’t get it,” […]
PANTERA “Cowboys From Hell”. “My Ears Are Bleedin’ and My Soul’s Confused: A Rodeo Man Review
By Buck Rawlins – Rodeo Retiree, Fence Repair Enthusiast, Accidental Headbanger “Well, Here’s Somethin’ That Ain’t Got No Horse In It…” Name’s Buck Rawlins. I’m 55 years young, born and bred in the sun-scorched dust of Amarillo, Texas. Rode my first bull at 12, broke my first rib at 13, […]
BREAKING: GHOST’s Papa V Perpetua Accidentally Elected Pope After Vatican Clerical Mix-Up
“We said we needed a ‘new spirit in the church,’ not a guy who travels with ghouls and sings about Satan.” VATICAN CITY – In what’s being described as the most spiritually confusing clerical error in Catholic history, Ghost frontman Papa V Perpetua has reportedly been elected as the new […]
BEHEMOTH “Satanica”: A Hellish Easter Album Review by Pastor Earl Ray McGillicutty
First Calvary Snake-Handling Baptist Church of Buckshot County, AZ Well hallelujah and happy Resurrection Sunday, y’all. Now I know what you’re thinkin’: “Pastor Earl Ray, shouldn’t you be out back countin’ them plastic eggs filled with questionable chocolate and preachin’ about the empty tomb?” And normally yes, I’d be elbow-deep […]