Atlanta, GA — If you thought Brent Hinds was done talking trash about his ex-bandmates in Mastodon, buckle up: the man just plugged his amp into a blender full of resentment and hit record.
Following his increasingly spicy social media jabs—most recently calling Mastodon “a shit band with horrible humans” in the comments section of a nostalgic fan post—Brent has officially announced the formation of his newest and possibly most passive-aggressive project to date: Mastodon Sucks.
Unlike his other bands (West End Motel, Fiend Without A Face, Dirty B & The Boys—yes, those are real), Mastodon Sucks isn’t just a band. It’s an emotional purge. It’s musical revenge. It’s a one-man courtroom drama where Brent is judge, jury, and guy with a slide guitar yelling about backstage hygiene.
“Every song is gonna be a dirty little tale about those dudes,” Brent promised in a fiery press release written in Sharpie on a bar napkin. “One track is about the time someone clogged the tour bus toilet with vegan chili. Another’s about the great beard shampoo theft of 2014. There’s a whole ballad about passive-aggressive group texts.”
The debut album is tentatively titled “Once More ‘Round the Petty” and will include the following rumored tracklist:
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“Levi-a-thong (Who Stole My Underwear?)”
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“Emperor of Sandals”
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“Crack the Fridge (And Put the Beer Back)”
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“Blood and Thunder and Bathroom Mold”
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“Oblivious Creature”
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“Troy Didn’t Refill the Gas Tank (Again)”
Mastodon Sucks will play a secret set in Atlanta on April 18, hidden inside a triple-bill where Brent also performs with his other side projects, each more chaotic than the last. “If I can’t be in a band with emotionally stable people, I’ll be in three bands with myself,” he declared.
Sources say Mastodon has yet to respond publicly, though rumor has it Brann Dailor has written a ten-minute progressive rock opera in response titled “The Brentening.”
Stay tuned as the prog-metal petty war continues to unfold—louder, hairier, and more ridiculous than ever.
