Norway, where the fjords are deep, the forests are haunted, and apparently two black metal legends woke up one morning and decided, “Let’s fake our own disappearance for art. Also, let’s remake Brokeback Mountain while we’re at it.”
Yes, folks — the now-infamous “Snorre W. Ruch and General Gribbsphiiser Lost in the Mountains” saga has officially collapsed into the strangest publicity stunt the genre has seen since someone burned a church “for the aesthetic.”
Turns out the dramatic reports — complete with fake local-news websites, a missing phone planted between car seats, “thick fog,” Red Cross volunteers, and probably at least one confused moose — were part of “Operation Master of Deceptions,” a six-year plan to make the internet panic, argue, and hopefully generate enough attention to power a small Norwegian hydroelectric plant.
But while the official statement from Slagmaur frames it as a “true-crime artistic experiment” about folklore, deception, psychology, and the power of human creativity in an AI era… sources (okay, us) can now reveal the real purpose:
A Norwegian black metal remake of Brokeback Mountain
Starring:
Snorre “I Only Burn Down Genres” Ruch
Rune “General Gribbsphiiser, Wrangler of Storms and Feelings” Røstad
Working title: “Brokeback Fjell: Kvlt Edition.”
Plot summary (allegedly leaked):
Two hardened black metal pioneers venture into the mountains “to face their demons,” armed with booze, cameras, and 30 years of trauma bonding.
Somewhere between Tussbotna and Torsenget, they realize:
The storm is coming
The fog is thick
But their feelings?
Even thicker.
Cue tremolo-picked longing, wind howling like a Burzum interlude, and at least one scene where someone softly whispers, “You can’t kvlt here.”
The stunt worked a little too well
The fake site fooled thousands, social media combusted, and somewhere a Red Cross volunteer definitely said, “Wait, why are we looking for black metal dudes again? Is this Tuesday?”
When the truth broke, fans were split:
Half were like, “Brilliant art! Take my money!”
The other half were like, “Never speak to me or my corpsepaint again.”
Slagmaur’s official statement basically confirmed everything except the cowboy-metal romance, but lines like:
“You tried to ruin the ritual, but instead you became the ritual,”
…sound exactly like something a director yells while filming a dramatic mountaintop embrace at sunset.
In conclusion
The hoax is over, the forests are safe, no musicians died in the making of this saga — unless you count dignity — and now the world waits to see whether the final product is:
a musical collaboration,
an art film,
or two Norwegian metal icons staring intensely at each other in slow-motion while church bells toll ominously.
Whatever it is, one thing is certain:
Black metal promo has officially peaked.
Next time someone disappears in Norway, we’ll assume it’s marketing until proven otherwise.
Want a visual tagline? Try this:
“Love is kvlt. Fog is eternal.”
