A new scientific breakthrough finally explains why metal bass players look like that. A 2022 psychology study has attempted to decode what truly drives metal guitarists: is it sex, is it status, or is it the eternal, primal need to shred slightly faster than the guy in the other band? […]
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BREAKING: Slash’s Hair Inducted Into the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame
In what historians are already calling the most important cultural event since the invention of distortion, Slash’s hair has officially been inducted into the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame during a surprise ceremony last weekend. Not Slash. The hair. The legendary, untamed, top-hatted, gravity-defying mass of curls that has […]
GWAR Prepare Secret New Year Ritual Show To Banish Mariah Carey From The Timeline Forever (Probably)
GWAR — the intergalactic barbarian overlords of shock metal, famous for turning live shows into gore-soaked theatrical massacres — are reportedly planning a one-off, secret New Year ritual performance tomorrow night (December 31) at an undisclosed location somewhere between reality, hell, and a condemned strip mall. For over four decades, […]
SLEEP TOKEN Barred From Flight To Mexico After Refusing To Remove Masks At Airport Security
In a tragic blow to anonymity, ritual, and extremely committed branding, mysterious UK collective Sleep Token were reportedly denied boarding on a flight to Mexico after refusing to remove their masks during airport security screening. According to eyewitnesses, the band arrived at the terminal fully robed, fully masked, and fully […]
Vanilla Ice Declares War on ICE: “Stop Using My Song or Face the Funk!”
In what experts are calling “the most bizarre cease-and-desist of the century,” Vanilla Ice has officially forbidden U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) from using his 1990 smash hit Ice Ice Baby in any recruitment materials. “I don’t care if you’re trying to make border security cool,” Vanilla Ice reportedly […]
Screamo Vocalist’s Wife Leaves After Years of Him Yelling “MAKE SOME FUCKING NOISE” During Intimate Moments
A long-simmering domestic crisis finally boiled over this week after the wife of a well-known screamo vocalist reportedly left him, citing “creative differences,” “emotional exhaustion,” and “the absolute inability to relax for even five seconds.” According to close sources, the breakup stemmed from the singer’s apparent inability to separate stage […]
Pg. 99 Disband Again After Realizing They’ve Been Invited to Play Palestine
Legendary Virginia screamo collective Pg. 99 have reportedly disbanded once again — this time after the band collectively realized that the Palestine they’ve been passionately shouting about is, in fact, a real place that might actually require them to show up. According to sources close to the band (roughly eight […]
CRADLE OF FILTH Implodes As Ex-Members Sue Dani Filth For… Being Too Tall??
In news that absolutely no one had on their 2025 bingo card, five former Cradle of Filth members have united like the world’s angriest Power Rangers to sue Dani Filth — not for royalties, not for contracts, not for sigils, merch, or defamation… …but because Dani Filth allegedly wore platform […]
PETA Accuses GOJIRA Of “Whale Exploitation,” Demands Band Release All Invisible Whales Back Into The Ocean
In a development so absurd even the French government sighed and said “pas encore…”, a militant faction of PETA activists has officially declared war on Gojira after the band’s recent Paris performance of “Flying Whales.” Their accusation?“Whale exploitation, psychic whale captivity, and emotional manipulation of cetacean identities.” Yes. Psychic whales.Because […]
EVANESCENCE Announce 2026 World Tour; Amy Lee Finally Attempts To Prove She Is Not Courtney LaPlante Or Poppy
In what the internet is already calling “The Goth Pop Multiverse Tour”, EVANESCENCE have revealed their 2026 world domination plans: a full-scale trek across North America and Europe with SPIRITBOX, Poppy, K. Flay and NOVA TWINS. But insiders whisper there’s a secret mission behind the tour — and no, it’s […]