VANCOUVER — Language learning app Duolingo has announced the addition of a brand-new “Archspire” course, finally giving users the opportunity to master the blistering hyperspeed vocals of Canadian tech-death pioneers Archspire. “It’s part of our mission to preserve endangered languages — and none are disappearing faster than the syllables in […]
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Local Metalhead Breaks Sobriety After Hearing LORNA SHORE’s Song “Glenwood”
It took 27 days of clean living, gallons of seltzer water, and more AA chips than he actually earned, but one brave metalhead’s streak of sobriety came crashing down this week thanks to the emotional devastation of Lorna Shore’s latest single “Glenwood.” According to friends, the unnamed fan made it […]
Billions Mistakenly Stream MORBID ANGEL’s Rapture After Doomsday Prophecy, Believing It Was the Official Soundtrack
September 23, 2025 will go down in history as the day Jesus didn’t show up, but David Vincent did. Thanks to South African preacher Joshua Mhlakela’s viral prophecy that the world would end on Rosh Hashanah, TikTok’s #RaptureTok went absolutely feral waiting for trumpets, levitating Christians, and awkward Zoom calls […]
White House Insider Panics Over Burzum Posters as Trump Declares Antifa Terrorists
WASHINGTON D.C. — President Donald Trump’s latest attempt to classify Antifa as a “MAJOR TERRORIST ORGANIZATION” has already sparked confusion, but now, according to one anonymous White House staffer, the real threat might not be Antifa at all — it’s Burzum posters mysteriously appearing inside the West Wing. The staffer, […]
EUROPE Fans Outraged as Band Skips “The Final Countdown,” Demand Refunds for Missed Nostalgia
Stockholm, Sweden – In what concertgoers are calling “the biggest betrayal since Judas Priest flirted with synths,” fans of the legendary rock band EUROPE are demanding refunds after the group committed the ultimate crime: they didn’t play “The Final Countdown.” Yes, the very song that has been blaring in every […]
An Open Letter From Morgan Wallen to Fred Durst concerning new LIMP BIZKIT Single
So Limp Bizkit went and did the unthinkable (again): they dropped their first new song in four years, titled “Making Love to Morgan Wallen.” Yes, you read that right. Fred Durst name-dropped Chester Bennington, David Bowie, and Pootie Tang — before somehow deciding to close things out by making Morgan […]
Massachusetts Sleep Token Fans Selling Organs, Firstborns, and Souls to Afford Tour Tickets
WORCESTER, MA — Forget paying rent, buying food, or keeping your dog alive—Massachusetts Sleep Token fans are facing the biggest financial decision of their lives: whether to mortgage their souls for a chance to hear “The Summoning” live. Tickets for the band’s sold-out September 23rd show at the DCU Center […]
Devin Townsend Confirms: “I’m Not Online, Because I Can’t Prove I’m Human”
In an era when every artist lives on social media, Devin Townsend has revealed why he doesn’t actually exist on the internet: he simply can’t pass the “verify you are a human” test. While fans have long suspected that Devin’s Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok accounts were run by aliens, trolls, […]
GREEN DAY Cancels All September Shows After Billie Joe Armstrong Reminds Everyone Not To Wake Him Up
Fans across South America and the U.S. were left shocked (but also not really) this week after GREEN DAY announced they were canceling all of their September dates. The reason? Frontman Billie Joe Armstrong simply asked the world to respect his long-standing wish: don’t wake him up until September ends. […]
CRADLE OF FILTH Drama Heads to Amazon Prime as Teen Melodrama Series
Move over Euphoria — there’s a new goth melodrama in town. Amazon Prime has reportedly greenlit Cradle High: The Filth Diaries, a teenage soap opera based on the ongoing drama within CRADLE OF FILTH. The pilot episode, allegedly titled Effective Immediately, kicks off with keyboardist/singer Zoë Federoff storming out of […]