In the wake of VITRIOL’s historic mid-tour self-detonation — three members fleeing into the Vermont wilderness and leaving Kyle Rasmussen alone with nothing but a windshield squeegee and his thoughts — a surprising support group has emerged: The new members of AS I LAY DYING. Turns out, when they heard […]
fake news
VITRIOL Frontman Invents Imaginary Band, Crowdfunds His Next Noseful
In a plot twist worthy of a low-budget tour documentary, Vitriol’s departing members reportedly didn’t just quit — they allegedly ghosted co-founder Kyle Rasmussen at a Vermont gas station with nothing but a half-empty Monster, a cracked phone charger, and his dignity slowly evaporating into the fluorescent lights. But Kyle, […]
ARCH ENEMY Meltdown Deepens as Angela Gossow Reportedly Deletes All Social Media and Flees to Remote Island to Escape Fan Demands
Just when the metal world thought the ARCH ENEMY / Alissa White-Gluz split couldn’t get any weirder, Angela Gossow — former vocalist, current manager, and eternal shadow looming over every lineup change — has apparently deleted all her social media accounts and vanished to a remote island where WiFi fears […]
GUTALAX Announce Luxury “Toi-Toi Signature Series” After Golden Toilet Sells for $12.1 Million
The art world just spent $12.1 million on Maurizio Cattelan’s gaudy, 223-pound golden toilet — and naturally, Europe’s foremost porta-potty prophets GUTALAX have responded the only way they know how:By launching their own line of pre-used, fully “tested,” lovingly soiled Toi-Toi deluxe units, complete with authentic band-member autographs (written in […]
YUNGBLUD Finally Admits It: “Yeah, I Used Tinder To Promote My First Shows — And Sorry To Anyone Expecting a Romantic Night Out”
In a revelation that somehow feels both shocking and extremely on-brand, YUNGBLUD has officially confessed that his earliest gigs weren’t built on grassroots hustle or underground hype — they were built on Tinder matches. According to the singer (in this definitely real, totally reliable, not-at-all fabricated confession), filling a dingy […]
Norwegian Black Metal “Missing Persons” Hoax Revealed To Be… A Brokeback Mountain Remake?
Norway, where the fjords are deep, the forests are haunted, and apparently two black metal legends woke up one morning and decided, “Let’s fake our own disappearance for art. Also, let’s remake Brokeback Mountain while we’re at it.” Yes, folks — the now-infamous “Snorre W. Ruch and General Gribbsphiiser Lost […]
Live Nation Launches New Survey: Concerts or Free Burgers & Fries? Humanity Finally Draws the Line
Fresh off their groundbreaking revelation that 70% of people would rather go to a concert than have sex, Live Nation has bravely returned with a far more important study — one that truly tests the limits of human devotion. This time they asked 40,000 participants from 15 countries the only […]
KID ROCK Cancels NYC SHOWS, Rewrites Classic Hit To “New York’S Still Not My Home”
In a move that shocked precisely no one and entertained absolutely everyone, Kid Rock has allegedly canceled his upcoming New York City shows, declaring, “SORRY NYC, BUT I DON’T SING FOR COMMIES.” The phrase went viral across X and Facebook, sending fans and fact-checkers alike into full-blown chaos. Within hours, […]
Breaking: The Recording Academy Kicks Out SLEEP TOKEN, Adds North Carolina’s ATERRA To Grammy Nominations After “Actually Hearing Metal”
The 2026 Grammy nominations took a violent turn toward the abyss today when the Recording Academy suddenly removed Sleep Token from the Best Metal Performance category—replacing them with a band no one in the mainstream had ever heard of until about five minutes ago: Aterra, hailing from North Carolina. The […]
Feminist Party Leader Accuses VULVODYNIA Of “Disturbing Fascination” With Women’s Medical Conditions
South African slam-death/deathcore titans Vulvodynia have once again found themselves in the middle of controversy — this time not for their ex-girlfriends accusations, fights with a drummer, blast beats, gutturals, or circle pits, but for their band name. A self-described feminist party leader — known for her green hair, oversized […]