Rob Zombie, America’s favorite goth hillbilly of doom, has announced that new music is dropping tomorrow, because apparently Halloween isn’t spooky enough yet. The upcoming track, titled “Punks & Demons,” will be released Friday, October 10th, and experts predict it will sound like being run over by a haunted go-kart […]
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DEICIDE Inducted Into Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame
In a move that nobody saw coming—but everyone secretly feared—the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame has officially confirmed DEICIDE as one of this year’s inductees, citing the band’s “profound and everlasting impact on the rock’n’roll scene, the art of blasphemy, and forehead branding as self-expression.” The announcement immediately caused […]
METALLICA Reveal a Single Letter from Upcoming Album, Internet Loses Its Mind
October 7, 2025 — The metal world has officially imploded after METALLICA unveiled the first letter of their next album’s title. The sacred glyph, “R,” was dropped casually by Lars Ulrich during an interview on Norwegian breakfast television, sending fans and media alike into a frenzy of cosmic speculation. Within […]
TRIVIUM Parts Ways With Drummer Alex Bent After He Learns Music Theory, Becomes Unintelligible To Bandmates
In what fans are calling “the most educated breakup in metal history,” TRIVIUM have officially split with drummer Alex Bent after nine years — and according to very reliable sources (mostly us), the reason wasn’t creative differences or scheduling conflicts. It was music theory. Apparently, Bent’s recent decision to “expand […]
GHOST’s 2026 Tour Will Also Ban Glasses: “See the Show With Your Soul, Not Your Spectacles”
Move over, Yondr pouches — GHOST just announced that their upcoming 2026 North American “Skeletour” will go beyond banning phones. Fans should prepare for a strict “no-glasses policy”, meaning anyone relying on corrective lenses will need to pass a vision test before buying a ticket. Why? Because of those newfangled […]
Duolingo Adds New ARCHSPIRE 400 bpm Course for Aspiring Speed-Talkers
VANCOUVER — Language learning app Duolingo has announced the addition of a brand-new “Archspire” course, finally giving users the opportunity to master the blistering hyperspeed vocals of Canadian tech-death pioneers Archspire. “It’s part of our mission to preserve endangered languages — and none are disappearing faster than the syllables in […]
Local Metalhead Breaks Sobriety After Hearing LORNA SHORE’s Song “Glenwood”
It took 27 days of clean living, gallons of seltzer water, and more AA chips than he actually earned, but one brave metalhead’s streak of sobriety came crashing down this week thanks to the emotional devastation of Lorna Shore’s latest single “Glenwood.” According to friends, the unnamed fan made it […]
Billions Mistakenly Stream MORBID ANGEL’s Rapture After Doomsday Prophecy, Believing It Was the Official Soundtrack
September 23, 2025 will go down in history as the day Jesus didn’t show up, but David Vincent did. Thanks to South African preacher Joshua Mhlakela’s viral prophecy that the world would end on Rosh Hashanah, TikTok’s #RaptureTok went absolutely feral waiting for trumpets, levitating Christians, and awkward Zoom calls […]
White House Insider Panics Over Burzum Posters as Trump Declares Antifa Terrorists
WASHINGTON D.C. — President Donald Trump’s latest attempt to classify Antifa as a “MAJOR TERRORIST ORGANIZATION” has already sparked confusion, but now, according to one anonymous White House staffer, the real threat might not be Antifa at all — it’s Burzum posters mysteriously appearing inside the West Wing. The staffer, […]
EUROPE Fans Outraged as Band Skips “The Final Countdown,” Demand Refunds for Missed Nostalgia
Stockholm, Sweden – In what concertgoers are calling “the biggest betrayal since Judas Priest flirted with synths,” fans of the legendary rock band EUROPE are demanding refunds after the group committed the ultimate crime: they didn’t play “The Final Countdown.” Yes, the very song that has been blaring in every […]